Back to February, 2012. Being in home was something that I
needed the most. I had just 4 days to make most of time. The classes were
already going on. I was really scared about the results. I don't know why there
was an unknown fear. Somehow the days passed and I reached Mysore, sometime in first week of February.
This being the last professional was an important one. There
was Medicine, Surgery, OBG, Paediatrics, Orthopaedics, Skin, Anaesthesia for us
to ace. I tried to forget about the results and immersed myself in studies. Our
first posting in 8th term was Surgery. We had OPDs on Thursdays and OTs on
Mondays. We were the seniors now. It was hectic again- Hernia, Cholecystectomy,
Appendicectomy and Anal fissure being the most common cases. I was again trying
to forget everything and give my all to studies.
Then came March 6 - The day the results were declared. I had
come back from college and just lied down on my bed, when the phone rang. A
friend was on the line, he said results are out. I switched on the internet and
tried to see my result. I had got 64.89%, 584 marks out of 900. It being just
one mark short of 585 (65%) i.e. first class. I had passed in second class and
missed first class by one mark. My heart sank, there was a University rule
which stated that to get any medals one has to pass all exams in first attempt
and in first class. I was tensed. The things that I had earned until now, will
be gone. I won't be considered for any medals. How will I prove my worth now?
How will I ever prove myself?- these were the thoughts which came to my head.
I didn't know what to do, I was second in ENT but just
scored average in the other two subjects. I looked at my marks, noticed that I
had got almost the highest in theory, it was the practical, which had pulled me
down. Practicals are all luck, it's all a game of perception, how a professor
perceives you (ask any medical student, they will know). How will I overcome
this now? I can't change how someone perceives me- I kept on thinking. And then
started the taunts. Everyone was like- "Oh, you missed it. Haii becharaa.
He didn't deserve it only." I couldn't have done anything, I had to listen
to all that.
It all kind of messed me up. I didn't care much about the
marks, I knew this year was the best that I had studied in my whole life, there
was nothing more that I could have done. It pained me to think that whatever I
had earned until then, will be taken away from me, just because of one mark. I
might never be able to prove to the world that I deserved better.
Everyday was a battle, there was nobody that I could share
my thoughts with. I had to listen to everyone's rants about how they have been
wronged by some professor, how their girlfriend cheated on them, how one sided
love feels but there was nobody to listen to me. I needed somebody to listen.
Just to listen to me. But there was none. I tried to search for someone to talk
to. I found a person. (And hence started a parallel story, nothing too serious
but something that will make me realise a few years down the line that love is
an illusion. The thing that will make me fall in love eventually and bring me back to senses later.Will write about it some other day)
While all this was going on, I had the regular end postings,
tests and stuff. It was sometime in May, 2012, when I really felt alone. I felt
that I have to pay the price for being born as a bihari. I was taking an
Obstetrics case during my OBG posting. Since, I was the only one who took cases
seriously and all my unit mates just stood beside and had some nice chat, I was
trying to take a case of multiple pregnancy with polyhydramnios. I was trying
my level best to extract history. The unit head came for rounds and saw me
taking the case. He came to me and said, why are all of you taking a single
case? Why don't you guys split up and take different cases? Few others replied-
Sir, we are helping him to take the case. He doesn't know proper Kannada. I was
stunned. I still remember the professor asking me where I was from. He then
told me- People as useless as you, should go back to your place. The bloody
northies, they come here and take away the opportunities from the localites. I
just listened. It is something that will stay with me. It did give me a final
realisation that I will never be accepted. Whatever I do, I will be wrong. He
never tried to confirm what exactly was happening, he just scolded me for being
a Bihari-a northie.
Somehow the days passed, each passing day was getting even
more tough. There was taunts, politics and racism for me to deal with. I liked
OBG and Surgery, Medicine and Paediatrics were fine for me. Orthopaedics,
somehow I never liked. I read it for the sake of it.
On top of it the
labour postings had started, we had to observe 20 normal labours and make a
record of it. It was one of the days when we had gone to the hospital to observe
a normal labour-about 8 pm in the night. I and two of my unit-mates had gone to
the hospital to observe the labour cases. After a lot of mukki amma, mukki- the
lady had delivered. I was the one who was observing for fetal movements and
filling up the Partograph. I still remember, I was writing the B.P. of the lady
who had just delivered, when the head nurse rushed in. She was tensed and
shouting that there was an emergency case of a staff, a nurse. She was in her
7th month and had stopped perceiving fetal movements. The pregnant nurse was
rushed to the labour room in a stretcher. I was given the job to look for
Oxytocin drips. I was observing the drip and regulating it, as and when
required. The nurse was in severe pain. Her water had already broke. She had
cluched my hand in pain. I was just trying to console her. Suddenly she
expulsed the fetus. There were interns, PGs and nurses to take care of that. I
just tried to console the lady- Yen aagalla maa, aaid nimsha aaramgi mallkoli
or something I was saying to her, quite oblivious to what was happening around
me. But the silence told me, that there was something wrong. Nobody was running
around with the child. I looked at the other end and then it struck me. The child
was stillborn. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt a surge a emotion. I looked for
my unit-mates, they were busy talking about Gabbar Singh- The new Pawan Kalyan
movie and laughing out loud. I was standing motionless. Slowly I regained
senses and backed down, I came out of the room. There were tears in my eyes. I
looked through the door- the lady was sobbing, while my batchmates were still
discussing the movie. I thought- Am I right for this profession? Am I letting
my emotions take the better of me? Should I not care for the people? Should I
just laugh about these things and move on to happier topics? Why do I react
like this? Am I a misfit?
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| Schedule for Pediatric classes |
After OBG, started medicine. It was a very strict department
and I was in a very strict unit- Unit II. I had no time again. I immersed
myself in studies but the politics and the racism continued. It was getting
unbearable for me to stay in Mysore. We were getting three days leave before
the final term- Ninth term started. I rushed to Delhi, where my brother was
posted at that time. My mother had come to visit him. It was a time when I
could be with them. I remember watching Avengers, listening to Tumhi ho bandhu
from Cocktail during those days. But I guess, the purpose of my visit was
something else. My brother had few friends in his office who had gone to a
place to know about something called Naadi. He had also gone there once to
search for his naadi leaves but he didn't get. I went there with my mom and aunt,
not expecting or believing in such things. I just considered all that as a
joke. But out of everyone, it was me for whom they found a leaf for. To this
date I fail to understand how anyone knew so much about me even before I was
born, thousands of years ago. I didn't understand much of it- It was in Tamil (now I do, konjam konjam :P) but they translated it in hindi. Is it a joke or is it for real?
Anyways, I had to be back for the final term. The last term
is full of exams. Exams and internals for all major subjects. I immersed myself
in studies, I had left an internal of
medicine and just had these two to gain average. I did my best and was
satisfied with the results. I knew I can manage theory. Even practicals are
fine if one takes away the perception factor. By now, I wasn't even sure of
passing, let alone getting any medals. I had lost all my confidence and just
hoped to do my best. I had left everything to God.
The finals arrived, everyone was tensed. There was a lot of
manipulation, paper leaking going on (will write about all that when the time
is right). I knew nobody would help me. I had to do everything on my own. I
did. Still, the first question that every professor asked in viva to me was-
Where are you from. I tried my best to overlook that and perform my best.
Slowly time flew and it all ended. It was the time for me to
leave. I was sure I had done my best but I wasn't even sure whether I will pass
or not. This college had finally succeeded in taking all the confidence out of
me and I had let it to.
I had no clue as to what will happen, when I packed my bags
to leave for home.
I didn't know what the future had in store for me.
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| Diwali |
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