Date - 21 January, 2015.
My S*Q (If I can call you that, still),
I know, I have hurt you, pushed you and wasted your time. I
know you don't like me explaining but I want to talk to you once. I wish to
hold you once, to hug you once, to tell you how much I love you.
I know, you have tried to make it work but it was me who
pushed you. I tried to be strong. You can't handle someone who is this delicate
to think of ending his life, if you aren't a part of it. Shall I stay and
punish you for that? I know for sure that you have meant the world to me and
you will continue to be so but if I pressurise you like this, is it correct?
Should I not try to change my way of thinking?
Whenever I think of you, I get a smile, I feel happy. Seeing
you smile gives me happiness. But the very other moment, the thought of loosing
you also comes to my mind. I think - how she was close to you, while I might never
be able to get that closeness. How being with her was the right thing, while
being with me is going to be wrong, forever. How she got a name for her
relation with you, was a part of your family, while I might never get that. I
feel jealous. I know it is not right of me to feel that way but I do. Shall I
make you suffer because of my jealousy? I had mentioned it to you once. I
thought if I am more special than her for you, then this won't matter. You said
you need to feel special too. I had nobody, whom I can share my thoughts with.
How could I have dealt with the jealousy and harm you in the process?
I had never been someone who has wanted something soo much
in my life. You were/are someone who means the world to me. I was very scared
to say that I wanted to talk to you in the beginning. I always said do whatever
you want. You had to ask me to say yes or no. The only time I mustered up some
courage to tell you that I want you to talk to me more and am feeling bit ignored, you said I was falsely
accusing you and shouldn't tell you what to do or not to do, you will do it only if you want to. I was angry but I
tried to mould myself according to your wants. I tried not to bug you and
applied as much restrain as I could, to stop myself from bugging you. How could
I have forced you to do something that you don't want to?
Whenever you said those three words to me, I used to feel at
the top of the world but the other moment the thought that you might not like
me later on, also crept in my mind. I used to get scared as to what will happen,
if I loose you. Maybe that was the reason why I used to go silent.
I had thought of being alone, if things don't work out
between us and now I have to. I want to be alone. If it's not you in my life,
then it's none. I had felt the purest emotion for you. Had cared for you,
considered you mine, fought with you left-right and centre, ate your head with
my bakbak, bared myself completely to you. It is only you, to whom I have said
soo many things. There was none before and there can't be anyone after. I know
you have a lot of love to offer to the world. How can I stop you from
doing so?
If I love you, I love my parents too. My mother has asked me
for 1-2 years of my life, to make my career, shall I not give her that? I know
in these few years, many things will change. You will find someone right for
you, you will be happy with that person and we might never be able to meet but
I can't deny my mother the only thing that she has asked of me. Whatever I feel
for you, will remain with me. I will give her few years of my life and will
make a career, so as I can be independent and never have to rely on anyone to
help me out in any way.
I know, in the process I will loose you forever. I really
really don't want to. I can't actually. The love that I feel for you, will
remain the same forever. I don't have the capacity to give someone else the
same love. I have experienced love and I know, for me it had to happen
once.
It happened. I was yours/am yours and will be yours, there
is no going back from this but be assured I won't ever bug you with my negative
thoughts or unhappy things or ever bother you with how are you type questions.
I know, I have lost all my rights to.
Will pray to God to keep you happy and safe forever.
Bye.
P.S. - Found this in my laptop. Written and hidden
somewhere. An year has passed.
No comments:
Post a Comment