Until When

Until when should I convince myself that everything is fine?
Until when should I keep on trying?
Until when should I keep on cursing myself?
Until when should I keep on killing my dreams?

P.S.- God!!! Who are you Mr. Macintosh?
Can you please reply. Write a comment or something. Aisa kya hai iss blog mein, jo you read it?
It is like my personal diary.

Sent

I sent it.
I don't know what clarity I should get.

I am clear that I was wrong to have wanted a name. I was wrong to have expected to be told about certain things. I was wrong to have considered someone as mine. I was wrong to get angry when I was told that nobody has the mind to handle someone as delicate as me. I am clear that moving on is very easy, especially from me.


I know very well love is not for me.
I have loved one person and I might, always.

I know such love doesn't exist now. I was a fool. Par jo ho gaya, ho gaya.

I am very clear that there would have been many before me, there will be many after me and many even when someone is with me.

Life goes on.

:)

Shall I send it?

Hi,

Please don't scroll down if you don't want to read it and delete.

I don't know whether I should bug you with my thoughts. I want to say a lot of things but I can't.

I know I have pushed you, kept talking in circles and said certain things that I shouldn't have but I know you are the only person that I have ever loved and it will remain the same always. Each day in the past 1.5 years has been a testimony for that. I just can't shut your thoughts out of my mind, how much ever I try to. I know, it is futile to say anything now. Whatever was between us was just online but I feel that way for you, still. It is very unusual but it is there.

Whatever has happened, I can never change. I have bugged you enough, maybe I am doing it right now, also. I had applied all my restrain from January last year to let you be but it has been extremely difficult for me.

I know you have moved on.

I am still there. I can't be the one hurting you but it doesn't mean that I should look for someone else. I don't know why my mind is still with you. I guess, that is what is love. I was yours and will always be.

Everyone is different and am too. For me, love was supposed to be once and it happened. I can't undo certain things that I said now but I have changed a lot about me. I have overcome the jealousy, craving for love and affection, wanting to feel special and feeling the need to talk to my parents regarding my problems to much extent but still the love for you remains. I have tried everything but it is there, still.

If you ever feel like you want to talk or give me chance, am here.

But please don't waste your time just because you want to help me out. I will manage on my own.  I don't want to spread unhappiness or negativity in your life at all. Whatever is my life, I am responsible for it. Why should you break your head or waste your time over it?

Yours....

I really want to send this to him. I know, this will disturb and make him angry. I guess, I should not. :(

I sent it.

Random

With the things going on, I have come to realise that love doesn't last. I have seen my own brother being used for money, threatened with dire consequences if that girl didn't get what she wanted. The laws will favour her, I know and she might end up getting all the assets as she had wanted but she will loose too, something that can never be replaced. 

I know, that girl will find other men, as she had before and after marriage but what she took away from my family, I will never forgive her for that.

Well!!! Nobody needs my forgiveness either.

It was love, which lasted only until it can support financially and used for advancement in career.

Pretty much like any other love stories.

What the fuck !!!!!

Why the hell I still feel love and care for that person. I know he has moved on. But why the fuck I can't.

I guess I don't want to. I can't. I have always loved and always will love that person but only if it's there from both sides, it can work. I don't believe in aaj tum kal koi aur type love. Jo ho gaya ek baar woh hamesha rahega.

I have to prepare myself for the taunts and jokes that will come my way. If we do meet, I know he will definitely point out how weak I am by still loving him, while he being a strong man moved on after a while. 

If only, he saw the love behind. :)    

           

Oh sorry, there is nothing called love.

Uff !!! I am literally going mad. Everyone saved me from the bad future after all. :)

A Mail Not Sent

                       Date - 21 January, 2015.

My S*Q (If I can call you that, still),

I know, I have hurt you, pushed you and wasted your time. I know you don't like me explaining but I want to talk to you once. I wish to hold you once, to hug you once, to tell you how much I love you.

I know, you have tried to make it work but it was me who pushed you. I tried to be strong. You can't handle someone who is this delicate to think of ending his life, if you aren't a part of it. Shall I stay and punish you for that? I know for sure that you have meant the world to me and you will continue to be so but if I pressurise you like this, is it correct? Should I not try to change my way of thinking?

Whenever I think of you, I get a smile, I feel happy. Seeing you smile gives me happiness. But the very other moment, the thought of loosing you also comes to my mind. I think - how she was close to you, while I might never be able to get that closeness. How being with her was the right thing, while being with me is going to be wrong, forever. How she got a name for her relation with you, was a part of your family, while I might never get that. I feel jealous. I know it is not right of me to feel that way but I do. Shall I make you suffer because of my jealousy? I had mentioned it to you once. I thought if I am more special than her for you, then this won't matter. You said you need to feel special too. I had nobody, whom I can share my thoughts with. How could I have dealt with the jealousy and harm you in the process?

I had never been someone who has wanted something soo much in my life. You were/are someone who means the world to me. I was very scared to say that I wanted to talk to you in the beginning. I always said do whatever you want. You had to ask me to say yes or no. The only time I mustered up some courage to tell you that I want you to talk to me more and am feeling bit ignored, you said I was falsely accusing you and shouldn't tell you what to do or not to do, you will do it only if you want to. I was angry but I tried to mould myself according to your wants. I tried not to bug you and applied as much restrain as I could, to stop myself from bugging you. How could I have forced you to do something that you don't want to?

Whenever you said those three words to me, I used to feel at the top of the world but the other moment the thought that you might not like me later on, also crept in my mind. I used to get scared as to what will happen, if I loose you. Maybe that was the reason why I used to go silent.

I had thought of being alone, if things don't work out between us and now I have to. I want to be alone. If it's not you in my life, then it's none. I had felt the purest emotion for you. Had cared for you, considered you mine, fought with you left-right and centre, ate your head with my bakbak, bared myself completely to you. It is only you, to whom I have said soo many things. There was none before and there can't be anyone after. I know you have a lot of love to offer to the world. How can I stop you from doing so? 

If I love you, I love my parents too. My mother has asked me for 1-2 years of my life, to make my career, shall I not give her that? I know in these few years, many things will change. You will find someone right for you, you will be happy with that person and we might never be able to meet but I can't deny my mother the only thing that she has asked of me. Whatever I feel for you, will remain with me. I will give her few years of my life and will make a career, so as I can be independent and never have to rely on anyone to help me out in any way.

I know, in the process I will loose you forever. I really really don't want to. I can't actually. The love that I feel for you, will remain the same forever. I don't have the capacity to give someone else the same love. I have experienced love and I know, for me it had to happen once. 

It happened. I was yours/am yours and will be yours, there is no going back from this but be assured I won't ever bug you with my negative thoughts or unhappy things or ever bother you with how are you type questions. I know, I have lost all my rights to.

Will pray to God to keep you happy and safe forever.

Bye.

P.S. - Found this in my laptop. Written and hidden somewhere. An year has passed.

Tamil konjam konjam teriyam

I had landed in Bangalore for ComedK Examination way back in 2008, not having any clue about Kannada. Had tried to understand and learn it. It took me 5 years to reach from Kannada gothilla to Kannada swalpa swalpa gotthu.

Cut to present. It took me just a few months to understand Tamil. Now, I can understand it, at least to make out what's going on. Sometimes am amazed as to how it happened? How I travelled from Tamil teriyad to Tamil konjam konjam teriyam in such a short span?

I wanted to learn it for a completely different reason in the past. For the strongest emotion in the world - Love.

I guess, that's why am here. One can never understand God's plan. I was granted my wish. Partially, at least. :)

enna solla? yedhu solla? kaanire kanpese varthai illa :P
I remember this song completely :)


:)

Mujhse nahi hoga..

I can't handle anymore guilt. I supported my mom in doing something which ruined my brother's life.

I am soo delicate and negative that nobody can ever have the mind or maturity to handle me.
I was the one who felt jealous, who compared. I don't know, whether I can ever forgive myself.

I still feel love for that person.
Why am I like this? Haven't I hurt everyone enough?
Why can't I just move on??

I don't think I will be able to take anymore abuses coming my way.

I am sorry.


Please God. Help me. Please.

Aaaahhhh. I wish I could hold you once and say sorry. I really really miss my A***D.
Now he is gone and I will never be able to tell how much I love him.

 

Ugadi & Pongal: Two states and an outsider

March, 2009. Somewhere in Mysore. I heard the term Ugadi for the first time. Having grown up in northern part of India, I was oblivious to what Ugadi was.

January, 2016. Somewhere in Tamil Nadu. Even though I had heard of Pongal many times (it was covered in national news channels & come on, I had been in South India for almost 8 years). I sometimes used to wonder, is it a dish or is it a festival? Never really asked anyone but as it turns out, it is both.

Soo much has transpired between these two time periods. I had fallen, gotten up, learnt how to live alone, to handle certain situations, had become a doctor, started residency, learnt (or trying to learn) two languages, understood the meaning of true love and got to know how it's meaning changes over time.

Mixing Kannada and Tamil have become very common for me. Hegidiya and enna irukka get mixed. Bisse bille bath and sambhar rice look the same to me. I ponder at times, why did I have to learn all this? Why?

Somewhere in all this, I wonder where do I belong?

Will I ever be able to call something/Someone/Some place as mine, ever?

Something tells me, I might not ever be able to but life goes on. :)

Jalakandeswarar Temple, Vellore

Chamundi Temple, Mysore

P.S. - Mr. Macintosh from USA, who are you?

         Please reply.

Ufffffff!!!!!!!!!!!

What just happened last sunday????
How did the invite go?
AAArggghh!!!!!! I soo want to kick myself.

Now I will get laughed at, even more. That person will come and make me feel how stupid I am to care and love, still. That person has moved on long ago.

I don't know what to do now.
I wasn't bothering anyone.

What I feel, I feel. Please don't take that away from me.

I am never going to bug or bother anyone. I just wish I am not made fun of or that person doesn't rub off the fact that I still dwell on it, so am weak.

With time, I hope everyone will know how strong I was to have lived alone, while there were options to "have fun" all around.

P.S. - Who is this Macintosh person from USA? As soon as I write something, someone sees it.
          If you are reading this, please tell me what you find so intriguing in my blog? Or do you find it funny?
          
         

Phase III Part II: Last and Final

Back to February, 2012. Being in home was something that I needed the most. I had just 4 days to make most of time. The classes were already going on. I was really scared about the results. I don't know why there was an unknown fear. Somehow the days passed and I reached Mysore, sometime in first week of February. 

This being the last professional was an important one. There was Medicine, Surgery, OBG, Paediatrics, Orthopaedics, Skin, Anaesthesia for us to ace. I tried to forget about the results and immersed myself in studies. Our first posting in 8th term was Surgery. We had OPDs on Thursdays and OTs on Mondays. We were the seniors now. It was hectic again- Hernia, Cholecystectomy, Appendicectomy and Anal fissure being the most common cases. I was again trying to forget everything and give my all to studies.

Then came March 6 - The day the results were declared. I had come back from college and just lied down on my bed, when the phone rang. A friend was on the line, he said results are out. I switched on the internet and tried to see my result. I had got 64.89%, 584 marks out of 900. It being just one mark short of 585 (65%) i.e. first class. I had passed in second class and missed first class by one mark. My heart sank, there was a University rule which stated that to get any medals one has to pass all exams in first attempt and in first class. I was tensed. The things that I had earned until now, will be gone. I won't be considered for any medals. How will I prove my worth now? How will I ever prove myself?- these were the thoughts which came to my head. 

I didn't know what to do, I was second in ENT but just scored average in the other two subjects. I looked at my marks, noticed that I had got almost the highest in theory, it was the practical, which had pulled me down. Practicals are all luck, it's all a game of perception, how a professor perceives you (ask any medical student, they will know). How will I overcome this now? I can't change how someone perceives me- I kept on thinking. And then started the taunts. Everyone was like- "Oh, you missed it. Haii becharaa. He didn't deserve it only." I couldn't have done anything, I had to listen to all that.

It all kind of messed me up. I didn't care much about the marks, I knew this year was the best that I had studied in my whole life, there was nothing more that I could have done. It pained me to think that whatever I had earned until then, will be taken away from me, just because of one mark. I might never be able to prove to the world that I deserved better. 

Everyday was a battle, there was nobody that I could share my thoughts with. I had to listen to everyone's rants about how they have been wronged by some professor, how their girlfriend cheated on them, how one sided love feels but there was nobody to listen to me. I needed somebody to listen. Just to listen to me. But there was none. I tried to search for someone to talk to. I found a person. (And hence started a parallel story, nothing too serious but something that will make me realise a few years down the line that love is an illusion. The thing that will make me fall in love eventually and bring me back to senses later.Will write about it some other day)

While all this was going on, I had the regular end postings, tests and stuff. It was sometime in May, 2012, when I really felt alone. I felt that I have to pay the price for being born as a bihari. I was taking an Obstetrics case during my OBG posting. Since, I was the only one who took cases seriously and all my unit mates just stood beside and had some nice chat, I was trying to take a case of multiple pregnancy with polyhydramnios. I was trying my level best to extract history. The unit head came for rounds and saw me taking the case. He came to me and said, why are all of you taking a single case? Why don't you guys split up and take different cases? Few others replied- Sir, we are helping him to take the case. He doesn't know proper Kannada. I was stunned. I still remember the professor asking me where I was from. He then told me- People as useless as you, should go back to your place. The bloody northies, they come here and take away the opportunities from the localites. I just listened. It is something that will stay with me. It did give me a final realisation that I will never be accepted. Whatever I do, I will be wrong. He never tried to confirm what exactly was happening, he just scolded me for being a Bihari-a northie.

Somehow the days passed, each passing day was getting even more tough. There was taunts, politics and racism for me to deal with. I liked OBG and Surgery, Medicine and Paediatrics were fine for me. Orthopaedics, somehow I never liked. I read it for the sake of it.

 On top of it the labour postings had started, we had to observe 20 normal labours and make a record of it. It was one of the days when we had gone to the hospital to observe a normal labour-about 8 pm in the night. I and two of my unit-mates had gone to the hospital to observe the labour cases. After a lot of mukki amma, mukki- the lady had delivered. I was the one who was observing for fetal movements and filling up the Partograph. I still remember, I was writing the B.P. of the lady who had just delivered, when the head nurse rushed in. She was tensed and shouting that there was an emergency case of a staff, a nurse. She was in her 7th month and had stopped perceiving fetal movements. The pregnant nurse was rushed to the labour room in a stretcher. I was given the job to look for Oxytocin drips. I was observing the drip and regulating it, as and when required. The nurse was in severe pain. Her water had already broke. She had cluched my hand in pain. I was just trying to console her. Suddenly she expulsed the fetus. There were interns, PGs and nurses to take care of that. I just tried to console the lady- Yen aagalla maa, aaid nimsha aaramgi mallkoli or something I was saying to her, quite oblivious to what was happening around me. But the silence told me, that there was something wrong. Nobody was running around with the child. I looked at the other end and then it struck me. The child was stillborn. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt a surge a emotion. I looked for my unit-mates, they were busy talking about Gabbar Singh- The new Pawan Kalyan movie and laughing out loud. I was standing motionless. Slowly I regained senses and backed down, I came out of the room. There were tears in my eyes. I looked through the door- the lady was sobbing, while my batchmates were still discussing the movie. I thought- Am I right for this profession? Am I letting my emotions take the better of me? Should I not care for the people? Should I just laugh about these things and move on to happier topics? Why do I react like this? Am I a misfit?

Schedule for Pediatric classes

After OBG, started medicine. It was a very strict department and I was in a very strict unit- Unit II. I had no time again. I immersed myself in studies but the politics and the racism continued. It was getting unbearable for me to stay in Mysore. We were getting three days leave before the final term- Ninth term started. I rushed to Delhi, where my brother was posted at that time. My mother had come to visit him. It was a time when I could be with them. I remember watching Avengers, listening to Tumhi ho bandhu from Cocktail during those days. But I guess, the purpose of my visit was something else. My brother had few friends in his office who had gone to a place to know about something called Naadi. He had also gone there once to search for his naadi leaves but he didn't get. I went there with my mom and aunt, not expecting or believing in such things. I just considered all that as a joke. But out of everyone, it was me for whom they found a leaf for. To this date I fail to understand how anyone knew so much about me even before I was born, thousands of years ago. I didn't understand much of it- It was in Tamil (now I do, konjam konjam :P) but they translated it in hindi. Is it a joke or is it for real?

Anyways, I had to be back for the final term. The last term is full of exams. Exams and internals for all major subjects. I immersed myself in studies, I had left an internal of medicine and just had these two to gain average. I did my best and was satisfied with the results. I knew I can manage theory. Even practicals are fine if one takes away the perception factor. By now, I wasn't even sure of passing, let alone getting any medals. I had lost all my confidence and just hoped to do my best. I had left everything to God.

The finals arrived, everyone was tensed. There was a lot of manipulation, paper leaking going on (will write about all that when the time is right). I knew nobody would help me. I had to do everything on my own. I did. Still, the first question that every professor asked in viva to me was- Where are you from. I tried my best to overlook that and perform my best.

Slowly time flew and it all ended. It was the time for me to leave. I was sure I had done my best but I wasn't even sure whether I will pass or not. This college had finally succeeded in taking all the confidence out of me and I had let it to. 

I had no clue as to what will happen, when I packed my bags to leave for home.

I didn't know what the future had in store for me.

Diwali

If only...

If only, I didn't feel insecure,
If only, I didn't feel jealous,
If only, I didn't give importance to honesty,
If only, I didn't look for emotional support,
If only, I didn't feel alone when I was told that someone had no mind or maturity to "handle" me,
If only, I didn't want someone to be mine,
If only, I didn't want a name for a relation,
If only...

ISKCON, Boston... Something that took care of me :)

Sometimes, I want to kick myself but what is done, is done. It can never be changed.

Seriously!! Shut the fuck up ***.

I don't know, with so much going on in my home. I am feeling very restless. So, just want to write here to ease myself.



I wish that girl learns a lesson for what she has done to my family. What was our mistake?

Shut the F**k Up

How naive I was to have believed in friendship, when someone wasn't even honest about age. How idiotic it was of me to consider someone as a friend, when all that person needed was just someone to vent their frustration on and get some physical satisfaction. I guess, I should have shut the fuck up in the very beginning. 

It was very easy to say, I want to be with you but I need "variety" in life. How very convenient it was to compare something to food? I should have just shut the fuck up.

I did talk to someone for some time, as a friend. I never misguided, used or gave wrong indications, just considered the person as friend. In the end, it was very easy to say to me that "the person" loves me while "the person" was with someone else. If it really was the case, why did "the person" enter in a relationship with someone else? In the end, I was called names, abused and told to shut the fuck up.

Still I talked to someone, looking for a friend. Not wanting or feeling the real love. Never did I tell "the person" to even consider me as someone who can be romantically involved with. Just wanted to be there as a friend, nothing more. How very easy it was to tell me to shut the fuck up, when I asked about "the person's" real feelings? How very easy it was to call names to someone I love and try to hook me up with someone? How very easy it was to say that I love you and I will be with you till the end? I repeatedly told that I don't feel such things anymore, I felt such for only one person and that will not change in this lifetime. I knew all "love" will change into hatred in no time? How very easy it was to tell me to shut the fuck up and call me names in the end?
In the end all goodness was gone. How easily I became someone who just pretends to be a good person?

How very easy it was for someone I have loved and always will, to tell me to shut the fuck up? How easy it was to move on and look for better options? How easy it was to ...................?????

Thank you for telling me to shut the fuck up.

Finally, I have.

I have shut the fuck up.       :)

P.S.- I was wrong to have retaliated, to have felt jealousy and anger. Who the fuck I was to feel anything?

I guess, it was wrong on my part to have considered someone as mine. I should have just had the mindset- Kal koi aur tha, aaj tum ho, kal koi aur, aur parson koi aur hoga. That is how the world works. That is how you "enjoy" life and have "fun".
If I had such a mindset, it wouldn't have mattered at all. Here I was, the fucking idiot- who gave such importance to just an "online connection". Why the fuck did I dream of a life, a future?

I have changed myself to a great extent.


I can be anyone's but nobody can ever be mine.


If ever I try to dream again, I will read all this to remind myself of my worth.
Dude, emotional people like you don't deserve all this.

(So, if you are reading it now J**, just read it once again and reread, until it sinks in)


Why the love that I feel for someone doesn't go? Why? I am nobody's godfather or saviour to try and pray for that person's safety but why the fuck I still do it? That person must be involved with someone and must be in a happy space, who the fuck am I to bother but why do I still think of that person?

I don't want to be like this in my next life. I want to be a completely different person.

At least, I won't be going to every temple and praying to God to tell me why am I delicate, sissy, unable to look beyond my emotions and someone who just finds reasons to be unhappy.

Seriously dude!!! Just shut the fuck up.

A path leading nowhere
  (Boulevard of broken dreams)