Christmas 2016: Part II

December 16, 2016    Part-II... Something for me to remember. My first choreography experience (a bit, at least). The part which was funny got lost. :(

It Is Over

It is over.
I give up everything today.
I wish never to dream again.

Some other time, Some other life..... :)

Is It Just Me????? (Blast from the past)

A blog post written by me, couple of years ago.
Woosh! Can't believe have changed so much since then.


Well,..Since it’s my first blog post, I should first introduce myself. I am a 23 year old doctor, currently residing in south india. Been attracted to men ever since my adolescence. I still remember being utterly confused about myself. I used to feel really uncomfortable when some of my friends used to comment about the attributes of some girl and how much they liked it and I had to just show that I was interested in these topics so that I don’t loose friends and alienate people. I used to think that it is kind of normal for people to like men initially i.e. during early teens , then as they progress towards their twenties they start liking girls. Amusing ,as it may seem to you but I just held on to this belief to somehow prove to myself that I was normal.


Like most of the people here whole of my growing up years just went like this. Then came college , which was even more discomforting. It used to be so annoying when my friends or seniors used to talk about girls and some other stuff ( which men are supposed to like) while I had no interest in these kind of things. It really made me feel to be the one who is odd one out. So I started a search on the net to know whether is it just me or other people also feel the same way and then came the biggest discovery of my life that I am Gay….I would say that previously I just had a vague idea of what being gay means, I always associated it with people being loud and feminish( just stating what I used to think 9-10 years ago. No offence people, this was when I was 13-14 and didn’t have a properly working internet connection)..In college I came to know that being gay doesn’t necessarily mean that, and it has various facets…But still wasn’t really convinced about me being one, with the stigma attached to it and the social prejudice I was hell bent on not agreeing to be gay ..so, I just immersed myself completely in studies and stopped thinking about all this stuff…


Still these doubts lingered in my mind and I used to search the net sometimes for gay stuff/ my kind of stuff ;)…I stumbled upon pr / social networking site last year and was really happy to know that something like that existed..But the euphoria was short lived…Soon, I got to know that mostly it’s just meat market and most people are there to just vent their frustration and get instant gratification. Didn’t really make good friends there but definitely met few jerks. Got to know that people just talk and say that they like/ love and when the time comes ,everybody (i.e. the jerks I met) wants just sexual satisfaction. Am still trying to forget that phase of my life because, I for one had never seen or even heard of many things that I got to know of . It still gives me goosebumps to think how can some people be so physical minded sometimes ( me included)…


After careful deliberation I thought to talk to my mom about this.Mustered up the courage and told her that I think that I am gay but she didn’t really understand {after all its all so new for her,she has to acclimatize to me (her son )being a gay which I don’t think is a small thing to do } there was lot of crying and drama that went on. It further pained me that the people I love the most have to go through this…the fear of her son being alone for a lifetime, the fear of society ostracizing us, the fear of loosing me to a world of darkness…It all must have been too much for her. I decided not to be too involved in my sexuality and just move on with other things in life..


Now I am comparatively in a happy space, doing what I have to do and going ahead in life. Have an account here and on one other site just to chat/talk to some like minded friends who have gone through similar situations. I don’t think that I should be so irresponsible so as to not think about the people who have raised me,took care of me, been there when I needed them and just think about myself..Is it wrong to care for the people I love, shouldn’t it be my job to save them from any problem rather than forcing them to fight the society and face all kinds of taunts/humiliations that the society will have to offer if they come to know about my orientation. So now am not really thinking that there is some mister right out there. I have to get on with my life ,can’t really be so hung up on one aspect of life. Whatever has to happen, will happen.

Is it just me or some of you had the same thoughts???


P.S.- sorry for the really long story kinda thing…I know u might have found it boring but kya karoon, main hoon hi aisa ;) I really needed to ramble my thoughts somewhere and as I don’t really have anyone else to go to, so just wrote all here….sorry for the inconvenience..



3 years have passed since then.

Of Some Wishes & Desires

I wish to dream again,
I wish to live again,
I wish to laugh again,
I desire to have someone to call my own,

Maybe not in this life but in some other. :)

P.S.- I know, am sensitive and emotional. I dunno it's right to be like this or not but I don't want to give up on something that sets me apart from others. I don't want to loose myself, just to fit in today's world.
Yes, I do get hurt, I do feel things, I do cry.
Does it make me someone who feeds his emotions in others and is not able to look beyond his?

Should I change?

I don't know the answer for that, I will let people judge me on that and if am supposed to change, I guess, I will.

And life goes on :)

 

Goodbye

I bid you goodbye,
I set you free,
I know you never loved me,
I was foolish enough to believe the words.

You will never hear again from me.
I will not be in your life disrespecting you or making you feel that you are not trusted,
I will not make you or either one of us feel shitty, ever.
I will never bother you with my emotions, my worries, my problems.
I will not enquire about your wellbeing, ever.

You both left a mark on me.

I can never be the same again.

I close your chapter now.

Goodbye.

Some other time, some other life :)

I dreamt a dream

Not too long ago, there was a boy: a dreamer, a hopeful, bundle of joy.
What has transpired since then?
Where has that boy gone?

The dream that he had, is shattered now,
The hope that he had, is lost now,
The love that he had, is gone now,

He tried again,
With all his might,
Gave himself,
To a worthy knight,

Now he stands alone,
Not knowing whether he is ever going to feel love again.

His emotions took everything from him,
Is he someone who just picks up fights and tries to make people miserable?
Is he the emotional dramebaaz that nobody requires in their life?
Is he the one responsible for suffering of his near and dear ones?


Come what may, one thing is certain,
The dream that he had, is shattered now,
Nobody can ever bring those back,
He is just left crying in the shack.


P.S.- A miserable poem :P

Wish to be back in this time. I wish to live the dream that I dreamt.

 

 :)

Me: The Culprit

Not everyone who loves me will be wrong,
If I still am the drama person who makes an issue out of anything, what rights do I have to dream?
Why do I always get angry on anyone whom I start considering as mine?
I am the culprit.

I have no right to be like this.
I am just ruining everyone's life.

Why do I start dreaming all the time?

I am not someone who deserves love. Someone who is this delicate, emotional and dramebaaz doesn't deserve all this.

Please remind yourself again ***.

What Lies Ahead....

I don't know, what will happen,
Will I be able to control my emotions?
Will I be able to talk?
Will I be able to ask how he has been?
Will I be able to bear the fact that am long forgotten?
Will I be able to control my tears?

I wish, I don't become a laughing matter again...

Wish to hold you once

I wish, you were here, I would have shown you how much I care,
I wish, you were here, I would have made each moment count,
I wish, you were here, I would have given you all the love that I have,
I wish, you were here, I would have made up for every wrong,
I wish, you were here, I would have told you, how much I have missed you,
I wish, you were here, I would have made sure, all your wants are fulfilled.

I wish, you were here, I would have held you and never let you go again....

My Nitya-****d :)



It's futile of me to want, now. I have to pay for this, all my life. I have to pay the price for my truthfulness. I gave my family whatever they wanted. Now what, why am I supposed to be the gregarious one, still?

He has moved on long ago, while I still have the same desires. 


P.S.- Please Mr. Macintosh. What is there here?
Why can't you just write a comment or something.
Why do you keep on coming here? Is the drama, that my life is, funny to you?
Please do reply. Please, a request.

Don't worry, I am fine

Don't worry, I am fine. I want to just run away from all this, am fine.
Don't worry, I am fine. I want an end to all of this but am fine.
Don't worry, I am fine. I want to end my life and get a respite from all this but am fine.
Don't worry, I am fine. I want to just speak out when I am made fun of but am fine.
Don't worry, I am fine. I am getting even more breathless these days but am fine.


Ma, I still think of how I was told that I am unable to look beyond my emotions by the very person I loved the most. I still think of how my love was told as something that is an illusion, how I am someone soo DELICATE that someone didn't have the mind or maturity to handle me. How I didn't know how to be happy and was the unhappy negative thing.

Everything that I was going through was negated. Didn't I have the right to know certain things? Didn't I have the right to feel something when I came to know that certain things were hidden from me?

It was soo easy to move on from me and to look for greener pastures. I was a just a chapter which was closed.

Ma, I wasn't the same.

I know I might never be able to say all this to you also, ever.
After all, I don't have the right to.

I wish I was a different person altogether and didn't care to this extent for someone.




P.S. - Mr. Macintosh from U.S.A., I give up on asking you time and again. You are free to read whatever you want. Just remember, this is my personal page.

Until When

Until when should I convince myself that everything is fine?
Until when should I keep on trying?
Until when should I keep on cursing myself?
Until when should I keep on killing my dreams?

P.S.- God!!! Who are you Mr. Macintosh?
Can you please reply. Write a comment or something. Aisa kya hai iss blog mein, jo you read it?
It is like my personal diary.

Sent

I sent it.
I don't know what clarity I should get.

I am clear that I was wrong to have wanted a name. I was wrong to have expected to be told about certain things. I was wrong to have considered someone as mine. I was wrong to get angry when I was told that nobody has the mind to handle someone as delicate as me. I am clear that moving on is very easy, especially from me.


I know very well love is not for me.
I have loved one person and I might, always.

I know such love doesn't exist now. I was a fool. Par jo ho gaya, ho gaya.

I am very clear that there would have been many before me, there will be many after me and many even when someone is with me.

Life goes on.

:)

Shall I send it?

Hi,

Please don't scroll down if you don't want to read it and delete.

I don't know whether I should bug you with my thoughts. I want to say a lot of things but I can't.

I know I have pushed you, kept talking in circles and said certain things that I shouldn't have but I know you are the only person that I have ever loved and it will remain the same always. Each day in the past 1.5 years has been a testimony for that. I just can't shut your thoughts out of my mind, how much ever I try to. I know, it is futile to say anything now. Whatever was between us was just online but I feel that way for you, still. It is very unusual but it is there.

Whatever has happened, I can never change. I have bugged you enough, maybe I am doing it right now, also. I had applied all my restrain from January last year to let you be but it has been extremely difficult for me.

I know you have moved on.

I am still there. I can't be the one hurting you but it doesn't mean that I should look for someone else. I don't know why my mind is still with you. I guess, that is what is love. I was yours and will always be.

Everyone is different and am too. For me, love was supposed to be once and it happened. I can't undo certain things that I said now but I have changed a lot about me. I have overcome the jealousy, craving for love and affection, wanting to feel special and feeling the need to talk to my parents regarding my problems to much extent but still the love for you remains. I have tried everything but it is there, still.

If you ever feel like you want to talk or give me chance, am here.

But please don't waste your time just because you want to help me out. I will manage on my own.  I don't want to spread unhappiness or negativity in your life at all. Whatever is my life, I am responsible for it. Why should you break your head or waste your time over it?

Yours....

I really want to send this to him. I know, this will disturb and make him angry. I guess, I should not. :(

I sent it.

Random

With the things going on, I have come to realise that love doesn't last. I have seen my own brother being used for money, threatened with dire consequences if that girl didn't get what she wanted. The laws will favour her, I know and she might end up getting all the assets as she had wanted but she will loose too, something that can never be replaced. 

I know, that girl will find other men, as she had before and after marriage but what she took away from my family, I will never forgive her for that.

Well!!! Nobody needs my forgiveness either.

It was love, which lasted only until it can support financially and used for advancement in career.

Pretty much like any other love stories.

What the fuck !!!!!

Why the hell I still feel love and care for that person. I know he has moved on. But why the fuck I can't.

I guess I don't want to. I can't. I have always loved and always will love that person but only if it's there from both sides, it can work. I don't believe in aaj tum kal koi aur type love. Jo ho gaya ek baar woh hamesha rahega.

I have to prepare myself for the taunts and jokes that will come my way. If we do meet, I know he will definitely point out how weak I am by still loving him, while he being a strong man moved on after a while. 

If only, he saw the love behind. :)    

           

Oh sorry, there is nothing called love.

Uff !!! I am literally going mad. Everyone saved me from the bad future after all. :)

A Mail Not Sent

                       Date - 21 January, 2015.

My S*Q (If I can call you that, still),

I know, I have hurt you, pushed you and wasted your time. I know you don't like me explaining but I want to talk to you once. I wish to hold you once, to hug you once, to tell you how much I love you.

I know, you have tried to make it work but it was me who pushed you. I tried to be strong. You can't handle someone who is this delicate to think of ending his life, if you aren't a part of it. Shall I stay and punish you for that? I know for sure that you have meant the world to me and you will continue to be so but if I pressurise you like this, is it correct? Should I not try to change my way of thinking?

Whenever I think of you, I get a smile, I feel happy. Seeing you smile gives me happiness. But the very other moment, the thought of loosing you also comes to my mind. I think - how she was close to you, while I might never be able to get that closeness. How being with her was the right thing, while being with me is going to be wrong, forever. How she got a name for her relation with you, was a part of your family, while I might never get that. I feel jealous. I know it is not right of me to feel that way but I do. Shall I make you suffer because of my jealousy? I had mentioned it to you once. I thought if I am more special than her for you, then this won't matter. You said you need to feel special too. I had nobody, whom I can share my thoughts with. How could I have dealt with the jealousy and harm you in the process?

I had never been someone who has wanted something soo much in my life. You were/are someone who means the world to me. I was very scared to say that I wanted to talk to you in the beginning. I always said do whatever you want. You had to ask me to say yes or no. The only time I mustered up some courage to tell you that I want you to talk to me more and am feeling bit ignored, you said I was falsely accusing you and shouldn't tell you what to do or not to do, you will do it only if you want to. I was angry but I tried to mould myself according to your wants. I tried not to bug you and applied as much restrain as I could, to stop myself from bugging you. How could I have forced you to do something that you don't want to?

Whenever you said those three words to me, I used to feel at the top of the world but the other moment the thought that you might not like me later on, also crept in my mind. I used to get scared as to what will happen, if I loose you. Maybe that was the reason why I used to go silent.

I had thought of being alone, if things don't work out between us and now I have to. I want to be alone. If it's not you in my life, then it's none. I had felt the purest emotion for you. Had cared for you, considered you mine, fought with you left-right and centre, ate your head with my bakbak, bared myself completely to you. It is only you, to whom I have said soo many things. There was none before and there can't be anyone after. I know you have a lot of love to offer to the world. How can I stop you from doing so? 

If I love you, I love my parents too. My mother has asked me for 1-2 years of my life, to make my career, shall I not give her that? I know in these few years, many things will change. You will find someone right for you, you will be happy with that person and we might never be able to meet but I can't deny my mother the only thing that she has asked of me. Whatever I feel for you, will remain with me. I will give her few years of my life and will make a career, so as I can be independent and never have to rely on anyone to help me out in any way.

I know, in the process I will loose you forever. I really really don't want to. I can't actually. The love that I feel for you, will remain the same forever. I don't have the capacity to give someone else the same love. I have experienced love and I know, for me it had to happen once. 

It happened. I was yours/am yours and will be yours, there is no going back from this but be assured I won't ever bug you with my negative thoughts or unhappy things or ever bother you with how are you type questions. I know, I have lost all my rights to.

Will pray to God to keep you happy and safe forever.

Bye.

P.S. - Found this in my laptop. Written and hidden somewhere. An year has passed.

Tamil konjam konjam teriyam

I had landed in Bangalore for ComedK Examination way back in 2008, not having any clue about Kannada. Had tried to understand and learn it. It took me 5 years to reach from Kannada gothilla to Kannada swalpa swalpa gotthu.

Cut to present. It took me just a few months to understand Tamil. Now, I can understand it, at least to make out what's going on. Sometimes am amazed as to how it happened? How I travelled from Tamil teriyad to Tamil konjam konjam teriyam in such a short span?

I wanted to learn it for a completely different reason in the past. For the strongest emotion in the world - Love.

I guess, that's why am here. One can never understand God's plan. I was granted my wish. Partially, at least. :)

enna solla? yedhu solla? kaanire kanpese varthai illa :P
I remember this song completely :)


:)

Mujhse nahi hoga..

I can't handle anymore guilt. I supported my mom in doing something which ruined my brother's life.

I am soo delicate and negative that nobody can ever have the mind or maturity to handle me.
I was the one who felt jealous, who compared. I don't know, whether I can ever forgive myself.

I still feel love for that person.
Why am I like this? Haven't I hurt everyone enough?
Why can't I just move on??

I don't think I will be able to take anymore abuses coming my way.

I am sorry.


Please God. Help me. Please.

Aaaahhhh. I wish I could hold you once and say sorry. I really really miss my A***D.
Now he is gone and I will never be able to tell how much I love him.

 

Ugadi & Pongal: Two states and an outsider

March, 2009. Somewhere in Mysore. I heard the term Ugadi for the first time. Having grown up in northern part of India, I was oblivious to what Ugadi was.

January, 2016. Somewhere in Tamil Nadu. Even though I had heard of Pongal many times (it was covered in national news channels & come on, I had been in South India for almost 8 years). I sometimes used to wonder, is it a dish or is it a festival? Never really asked anyone but as it turns out, it is both.

Soo much has transpired between these two time periods. I had fallen, gotten up, learnt how to live alone, to handle certain situations, had become a doctor, started residency, learnt (or trying to learn) two languages, understood the meaning of true love and got to know how it's meaning changes over time.

Mixing Kannada and Tamil have become very common for me. Hegidiya and enna irukka get mixed. Bisse bille bath and sambhar rice look the same to me. I ponder at times, why did I have to learn all this? Why?

Somewhere in all this, I wonder where do I belong?

Will I ever be able to call something/Someone/Some place as mine, ever?

Something tells me, I might not ever be able to but life goes on. :)

Jalakandeswarar Temple, Vellore

Chamundi Temple, Mysore

P.S. - Mr. Macintosh from USA, who are you?

         Please reply.

Ufffffff!!!!!!!!!!!

What just happened last sunday????
How did the invite go?
AAArggghh!!!!!! I soo want to kick myself.

Now I will get laughed at, even more. That person will come and make me feel how stupid I am to care and love, still. That person has moved on long ago.

I don't know what to do now.
I wasn't bothering anyone.

What I feel, I feel. Please don't take that away from me.

I am never going to bug or bother anyone. I just wish I am not made fun of or that person doesn't rub off the fact that I still dwell on it, so am weak.

With time, I hope everyone will know how strong I was to have lived alone, while there were options to "have fun" all around.

P.S. - Who is this Macintosh person from USA? As soon as I write something, someone sees it.
          If you are reading this, please tell me what you find so intriguing in my blog? Or do you find it funny?
          
         

Phase III Part II: Last and Final

Back to February, 2012. Being in home was something that I needed the most. I had just 4 days to make most of time. The classes were already going on. I was really scared about the results. I don't know why there was an unknown fear. Somehow the days passed and I reached Mysore, sometime in first week of February. 

This being the last professional was an important one. There was Medicine, Surgery, OBG, Paediatrics, Orthopaedics, Skin, Anaesthesia for us to ace. I tried to forget about the results and immersed myself in studies. Our first posting in 8th term was Surgery. We had OPDs on Thursdays and OTs on Mondays. We were the seniors now. It was hectic again- Hernia, Cholecystectomy, Appendicectomy and Anal fissure being the most common cases. I was again trying to forget everything and give my all to studies.

Then came March 6 - The day the results were declared. I had come back from college and just lied down on my bed, when the phone rang. A friend was on the line, he said results are out. I switched on the internet and tried to see my result. I had got 64.89%, 584 marks out of 900. It being just one mark short of 585 (65%) i.e. first class. I had passed in second class and missed first class by one mark. My heart sank, there was a University rule which stated that to get any medals one has to pass all exams in first attempt and in first class. I was tensed. The things that I had earned until now, will be gone. I won't be considered for any medals. How will I prove my worth now? How will I ever prove myself?- these were the thoughts which came to my head. 

I didn't know what to do, I was second in ENT but just scored average in the other two subjects. I looked at my marks, noticed that I had got almost the highest in theory, it was the practical, which had pulled me down. Practicals are all luck, it's all a game of perception, how a professor perceives you (ask any medical student, they will know). How will I overcome this now? I can't change how someone perceives me- I kept on thinking. And then started the taunts. Everyone was like- "Oh, you missed it. Haii becharaa. He didn't deserve it only." I couldn't have done anything, I had to listen to all that.

It all kind of messed me up. I didn't care much about the marks, I knew this year was the best that I had studied in my whole life, there was nothing more that I could have done. It pained me to think that whatever I had earned until then, will be taken away from me, just because of one mark. I might never be able to prove to the world that I deserved better. 

Everyday was a battle, there was nobody that I could share my thoughts with. I had to listen to everyone's rants about how they have been wronged by some professor, how their girlfriend cheated on them, how one sided love feels but there was nobody to listen to me. I needed somebody to listen. Just to listen to me. But there was none. I tried to search for someone to talk to. I found a person. (And hence started a parallel story, nothing too serious but something that will make me realise a few years down the line that love is an illusion. The thing that will make me fall in love eventually and bring me back to senses later.Will write about it some other day)

While all this was going on, I had the regular end postings, tests and stuff. It was sometime in May, 2012, when I really felt alone. I felt that I have to pay the price for being born as a bihari. I was taking an Obstetrics case during my OBG posting. Since, I was the only one who took cases seriously and all my unit mates just stood beside and had some nice chat, I was trying to take a case of multiple pregnancy with polyhydramnios. I was trying my level best to extract history. The unit head came for rounds and saw me taking the case. He came to me and said, why are all of you taking a single case? Why don't you guys split up and take different cases? Few others replied- Sir, we are helping him to take the case. He doesn't know proper Kannada. I was stunned. I still remember the professor asking me where I was from. He then told me- People as useless as you, should go back to your place. The bloody northies, they come here and take away the opportunities from the localites. I just listened. It is something that will stay with me. It did give me a final realisation that I will never be accepted. Whatever I do, I will be wrong. He never tried to confirm what exactly was happening, he just scolded me for being a Bihari-a northie.

Somehow the days passed, each passing day was getting even more tough. There was taunts, politics and racism for me to deal with. I liked OBG and Surgery, Medicine and Paediatrics were fine for me. Orthopaedics, somehow I never liked. I read it for the sake of it.

 On top of it the labour postings had started, we had to observe 20 normal labours and make a record of it. It was one of the days when we had gone to the hospital to observe a normal labour-about 8 pm in the night. I and two of my unit-mates had gone to the hospital to observe the labour cases. After a lot of mukki amma, mukki- the lady had delivered. I was the one who was observing for fetal movements and filling up the Partograph. I still remember, I was writing the B.P. of the lady who had just delivered, when the head nurse rushed in. She was tensed and shouting that there was an emergency case of a staff, a nurse. She was in her 7th month and had stopped perceiving fetal movements. The pregnant nurse was rushed to the labour room in a stretcher. I was given the job to look for Oxytocin drips. I was observing the drip and regulating it, as and when required. The nurse was in severe pain. Her water had already broke. She had cluched my hand in pain. I was just trying to console her. Suddenly she expulsed the fetus. There were interns, PGs and nurses to take care of that. I just tried to console the lady- Yen aagalla maa, aaid nimsha aaramgi mallkoli or something I was saying to her, quite oblivious to what was happening around me. But the silence told me, that there was something wrong. Nobody was running around with the child. I looked at the other end and then it struck me. The child was stillborn. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt a surge a emotion. I looked for my unit-mates, they were busy talking about Gabbar Singh- The new Pawan Kalyan movie and laughing out loud. I was standing motionless. Slowly I regained senses and backed down, I came out of the room. There were tears in my eyes. I looked through the door- the lady was sobbing, while my batchmates were still discussing the movie. I thought- Am I right for this profession? Am I letting my emotions take the better of me? Should I not care for the people? Should I just laugh about these things and move on to happier topics? Why do I react like this? Am I a misfit?

Schedule for Pediatric classes

After OBG, started medicine. It was a very strict department and I was in a very strict unit- Unit II. I had no time again. I immersed myself in studies but the politics and the racism continued. It was getting unbearable for me to stay in Mysore. We were getting three days leave before the final term- Ninth term started. I rushed to Delhi, where my brother was posted at that time. My mother had come to visit him. It was a time when I could be with them. I remember watching Avengers, listening to Tumhi ho bandhu from Cocktail during those days. But I guess, the purpose of my visit was something else. My brother had few friends in his office who had gone to a place to know about something called Naadi. He had also gone there once to search for his naadi leaves but he didn't get. I went there with my mom and aunt, not expecting or believing in such things. I just considered all that as a joke. But out of everyone, it was me for whom they found a leaf for. To this date I fail to understand how anyone knew so much about me even before I was born, thousands of years ago. I didn't understand much of it- It was in Tamil (now I do, konjam konjam :P) but they translated it in hindi. Is it a joke or is it for real?

Anyways, I had to be back for the final term. The last term is full of exams. Exams and internals for all major subjects. I immersed myself in studies, I had left an internal of medicine and just had these two to gain average. I did my best and was satisfied with the results. I knew I can manage theory. Even practicals are fine if one takes away the perception factor. By now, I wasn't even sure of passing, let alone getting any medals. I had lost all my confidence and just hoped to do my best. I had left everything to God.

The finals arrived, everyone was tensed. There was a lot of manipulation, paper leaking going on (will write about all that when the time is right). I knew nobody would help me. I had to do everything on my own. I did. Still, the first question that every professor asked in viva to me was- Where are you from. I tried my best to overlook that and perform my best.

Slowly time flew and it all ended. It was the time for me to leave. I was sure I had done my best but I wasn't even sure whether I will pass or not. This college had finally succeeded in taking all the confidence out of me and I had let it to. 

I had no clue as to what will happen, when I packed my bags to leave for home.

I didn't know what the future had in store for me.

Diwali