A blog post written by me, couple of years ago.
Woosh! Can't believe have changed so much since then.
Well,..Since it’s my first blog post, I should first introduce myself. I am a 23 year old doctor, currently residing in south india. Been attracted to men ever since my adolescence. I still remember being utterly confused about myself. I used to feel really uncomfortable when some of my friends used to comment about the attributes of some girl and how much they liked it and I had to just show that I was interested in these topics so that I don’t loose friends and alienate people. I used to think that it is kind of normal for people to like men initially i.e. during early teens , then as they progress towards their twenties they start liking girls. Amusing ,as it may seem to you but I just held on to this belief to somehow prove to myself that I was normal.
Like most of the people here whole of my growing up years just went like this. Then came college , which was even more discomforting. It used to be so annoying when my friends or seniors used to talk about girls and some other stuff ( which men are supposed to like) while I had no interest in these kind of things. It really made me feel to be the one who is odd one out. So I started a search on the net to know whether is it just me or other people also feel the same way and then came the biggest discovery of my life that I am Gay….I would say that previously I just had a vague idea of what being gay means, I always associated it with people being loud and feminish( just stating what I used to think 9-10 years ago. No offence people, this was when I was 13-14 and didn’t have a properly working internet connection)..In college I came to know that being gay doesn’t necessarily mean that, and it has various facets…But still wasn’t really convinced about me being one, with the stigma attached to it and the social prejudice I was hell bent on not agreeing to be gay ..so, I just immersed myself completely in studies and stopped thinking about all this stuff…
Still these doubts lingered in my mind and I used to search the net sometimes for gay stuff/ my kind of stuff ;)…I stumbled upon pr / social networking site last year and was really happy to know that something like that existed..But the euphoria was short lived…Soon, I got to know that mostly it’s just meat market and most people are there to just vent their frustration and get instant gratification. Didn’t really make good friends there but definitely met few jerks. Got to know that people just talk and say that they like/ love and when the time comes ,everybody (i.e. the jerks I met) wants just sexual satisfaction. Am still trying to forget that phase of my life because, I for one had never seen or even heard of many things that I got to know of . It still gives me goosebumps to think how can some people be so physical minded sometimes ( me included)…
After careful deliberation I thought to talk to my mom about this.Mustered up the courage and told her that I think that I am gay but she didn’t really understand {after all its all so new for her,she has to acclimatize to me (her son )being a gay which I don’t think is a small thing to do } there was lot of crying and drama that went on. It further pained me that the people I love the most have to go through this…the fear of her son being alone for a lifetime, the fear of society ostracizing us, the fear of loosing me to a world of darkness…It all must have been too much for her. I decided not to be too involved in my sexuality and just move on with other things in life..
Now I am comparatively in a happy space, doing what I have to do and going ahead in life. Have an account here and on one other site just to chat/talk to some like minded friends who have gone through similar situations. I don’t think that I should be so irresponsible so as to not think about the people who have raised me,took care of me, been there when I needed them and just think about myself..Is it wrong to care for the people I love, shouldn’t it be my job to save them from any problem rather than forcing them to fight the society and face all kinds of taunts/humiliations that the society will have to offer if they come to know about my orientation. So now am not really thinking that there is some mister right out there. I have to get on with my life ,can’t really be so hung up on one aspect of life. Whatever has to happen, will happen.
Is it just me or some of you had the same thoughts???
P.S.- sorry for the really long story kinda thing…I know u might have found it boring but kya karoon, main hoon hi aisa ;) I really needed to ramble my thoughts somewhere and as I don’t really have anyone else to go to, so just wrote all here….sorry for the inconvenience..
3 years have passed since then.
Woosh! Can't believe have changed so much since then.
Well,..Since it’s my first blog post, I should first introduce myself. I am a 23 year old doctor, currently residing in south india. Been attracted to men ever since my adolescence. I still remember being utterly confused about myself. I used to feel really uncomfortable when some of my friends used to comment about the attributes of some girl and how much they liked it and I had to just show that I was interested in these topics so that I don’t loose friends and alienate people. I used to think that it is kind of normal for people to like men initially i.e. during early teens , then as they progress towards their twenties they start liking girls. Amusing ,as it may seem to you but I just held on to this belief to somehow prove to myself that I was normal.
Like most of the people here whole of my growing up years just went like this. Then came college , which was even more discomforting. It used to be so annoying when my friends or seniors used to talk about girls and some other stuff ( which men are supposed to like) while I had no interest in these kind of things. It really made me feel to be the one who is odd one out. So I started a search on the net to know whether is it just me or other people also feel the same way and then came the biggest discovery of my life that I am Gay….I would say that previously I just had a vague idea of what being gay means, I always associated it with people being loud and feminish( just stating what I used to think 9-10 years ago. No offence people, this was when I was 13-14 and didn’t have a properly working internet connection)..In college I came to know that being gay doesn’t necessarily mean that, and it has various facets…But still wasn’t really convinced about me being one, with the stigma attached to it and the social prejudice I was hell bent on not agreeing to be gay ..so, I just immersed myself completely in studies and stopped thinking about all this stuff…
Still these doubts lingered in my mind and I used to search the net sometimes for gay stuff/ my kind of stuff ;)…I stumbled upon pr / social networking site last year and was really happy to know that something like that existed..But the euphoria was short lived…Soon, I got to know that mostly it’s just meat market and most people are there to just vent their frustration and get instant gratification. Didn’t really make good friends there but definitely met few jerks. Got to know that people just talk and say that they like/ love and when the time comes ,everybody (i.e. the jerks I met) wants just sexual satisfaction. Am still trying to forget that phase of my life because, I for one had never seen or even heard of many things that I got to know of . It still gives me goosebumps to think how can some people be so physical minded sometimes ( me included)…
After careful deliberation I thought to talk to my mom about this.Mustered up the courage and told her that I think that I am gay but she didn’t really understand {after all its all so new for her,she has to acclimatize to me (her son )being a gay which I don’t think is a small thing to do } there was lot of crying and drama that went on. It further pained me that the people I love the most have to go through this…the fear of her son being alone for a lifetime, the fear of society ostracizing us, the fear of loosing me to a world of darkness…It all must have been too much for her. I decided not to be too involved in my sexuality and just move on with other things in life..
Now I am comparatively in a happy space, doing what I have to do and going ahead in life. Have an account here and on one other site just to chat/talk to some like minded friends who have gone through similar situations. I don’t think that I should be so irresponsible so as to not think about the people who have raised me,took care of me, been there when I needed them and just think about myself..Is it wrong to care for the people I love, shouldn’t it be my job to save them from any problem rather than forcing them to fight the society and face all kinds of taunts/humiliations that the society will have to offer if they come to know about my orientation. So now am not really thinking that there is some mister right out there. I have to get on with my life ,can’t really be so hung up on one aspect of life. Whatever has to happen, will happen.
Is it just me or some of you had the same thoughts???
P.S.- sorry for the really long story kinda thing…I know u might have found it boring but kya karoon, main hoon hi aisa ;) I really needed to ramble my thoughts somewhere and as I don’t really have anyone else to go to, so just wrote all here….sorry for the inconvenience..
3 years have passed since then.
3yrs it's been..time flies but those moments still holds back there..
ReplyDelete