An Innocence Lost

1998, A woman lies on the bed motionless, tears rolling down her cheeks. She has such unbearable pain that she can’t even move her limbs. Her husband had just fought with her and left. A 9 year old just looks upon, he can’t really comprehend what is happening. Why are his parents fighting continuously? What has happened to his mother? His mind wanders, he thinks - Is he the reason for his parents’ unhappiness? Is it because of him? He was the reason that his parents were thrown out of his grandparents’ house. He was always hated by his grandmother. She never wanted him near her. He was the reason that, his parents had to search for some other place to live. Maybe he is again the reason for these fights. He goes to his mother and asks - Kya hua mummy, kyun ro rahi ho? Mat ro mummy. She says - Kuch nahi beta. Abhi tum bahut chote ho, nahi samjhoge. He just lies down beside her and wipes her tears.

2004, A boy in his early teens returns home from school. His mother asks, how your day was. He mutters that it was fine in anger. His mother says don’t act like you are doing us a favour going to school, it’s for your own good. The boy goes to bathroom and weeps in the shower thinking - what should I tell my parents? Should I tell them that, I am constantly bullied in school? Should I tell them that people gang up on me? Should I tell them that my physical appearance is joked about, by students and teachers alike? Should I tell them that the taunts have just got unbearable now?

2007, A guy in his late teens, looks at the fan with a bedsheet in one hand and tries to hang himself. Suddenly, there is a loud knock on the door. ***, kya kar rahe ho? Beta bahar aao - comes a voice. It brings him back to his senses. What was I going to do? Is it right on my part to be this coward? Is it the right thing to do? What my family will go through – he thinks. It certainly is not the end of the world. He ponders, how will he ever prove his worth? He was better than most of the people, yet now they all are in top medical colleges and he is nowhere. How one exam had decided his fate, while all others were negated? How will he ever prove that he deserved better?

2008, A ragging session of the newly joined medical students. A timid guy standing scared in front of a scary senior. The senior lights up a cigarette and tells the guy to smoke. The guy mumbles - Sir, I don’t smoke. The senior just puts the cigarette in his mouth. The timid fellow just coughs it out. Senior replies – Abe c*****e whisky to pi. He just shoves a glass of whisky on the junior’s face. The junior backs out but is held by other people. The senior takes a few drops of whiskey and sprinkles it over the junior’s face. Vikram - The senior then pulls him near. The junior tries to back out but is held tightly by him, between his legs. The senior says - yahan bistar bicha ke raat bhar masti karte hain. Bol, karega? The timid guy gets scared, tears rolling down his eyes and says - Sir jane do sir, please. HE TRIES TO BREAK FREE. Someone from behind pushes the junior and he falls on the scary senior. Their lips touch for a fraction of second and everyone starts laughing uncontrollably, leaving the timid guy shocked and with tears just flooding his eyes.

2009-2013, A time when a youngster learns how the world really works. How much bearing does the fact that he is from a backward state will have, on the way people perceive him. How much prejudice and racism and politics is there in the world. 

Sometime in 2011, a 22 year old medical student, immersed in taking a case. He has to present the case today also, none of his unit-mates are ready - as usual. He tries his best to get a better history from the patient but struggles because of his tone of voice at times. He has been trying to learn the language, had an idea about it much better than any of the “North Indians” around. A professor looks upon, walks up to the guy and says people like you should go back to where you came from. You a******s are eating up all the opportunities that a localite should get. Go back to the place where you came from, back to your filthy parents. The guy stands there shaken, not knowing what to say or do. He had thought, as an Indian he had all the rights to study anywhere in India. Heck, the college only selected him, if they had such problems they shouldn’t have admitted him in the course.

May, 2013- Surgery OPD, an intern is busy taking cases sitting in the OPD. The professor walks in, sits beside him and orders him to take BP of a patient’s relative. The intern does just that. The professor observes him. After the guy is done, he sits again and gets busy with other patients. Suddenly, the professor asks him - Did you ask whether you can take his BP or not? The intern replied – Sir, I did it because you told me to. The professor said – you never asked for the permission (the old man’s permission), you just told him that you are taking his BP. You will do whatever comes to your mind, eh? Guys like you only become rapists. You only will go and do whatever you want. This is what your parents have taught you. You bloody rapist. The intern just sat there motionless, tears in his eyes. He thought - how can anyone say such a thing? Can he retaliate? If he does, what will be the consequences?

Something in his heart did break that day.

But it was still left for that boy to understand the matters of the heart.

2014-2015. A youngster, felt the all-consuming love for the first time. He was so much in love. He waited and waited for his love’s call or messages. Not knowing that in the end, it will all leave him shattered. It made him realize how easy it is to move on, how easy it is to say that he is someone unable to look beyond his emotions (while he was trying to forget the fact that something was kept hidden from him, he was trying to overcome the jealousy), how easy it is to say that someone doesn’t have the mind or maturity to handle someone as DELICATE as him, how easy it is to just block and delete him when he tried to confront the one he loved about something, how easy it is to say that he is unable to be happy - when the guy was just coping up with the fact that he has lost someone so dear to him. How easy it was to write on a public forum that someone can’t handle emotionally unstable people - indirectly referring to him. How easy?

Between all this, somewhere, the child/the teenager/the boy/the youngster lost his innocence.

An innocence was lost…

Something gold