Friday, 29 December 2017
Friday, 1 December 2017
Tuesday, 24 October 2017
A part of me...
Just a few things which I look at most of my awake time these days.
Posting here just so this doesn't get lost with the time.
Posting here just so this doesn't get lost with the time.
 |
| A part of my exsistence |
 |
| :) |
Sunday, 22 October 2017
And...
I finally got three days break after some amount of drama.
I wanted to be away, to try to live for some time. No tension, no worries.
The coming days are not going to easy. I needed a breather.
I couldn't go home in such short notice. I hate the whole process of travelling a whole day to reach home. Somehow I don't think I belong there.
The major thing which made me run away was his birthday. I knew if I was there, my mind will play games and I might end up messaging. This would not have been good.
When I am long forgotten, I will need to forget too.
I wanted to keep myself busy on that day to run away from such thoughts. I knew if I do it once, I will get the strength to get away.
But...
Bahut accha lagta hai na jab koi bina effort ke itna attention deta hai to.
This propelled my mind to think. To think of the past. To think what I have done. Where I have gone wrong.
And...I went back.
I just hoped that I didn't but I did.
I hate myself for being an overthinker. I wish I could just curse, give MC, BC gaalis and forget but it isn't me.
I lost again.
After the conversation, the only option seems to be to go away.
Away from all of this.
It has been difficult for me to deal with everything.
I know nobody will see from my perspective or understand me, I just wished they let me be.
I know am not doing any wrong.
Why??? Why do I listen? Why do I care?
I wanted to be away, to try to live for some time. No tension, no worries.
The coming days are not going to easy. I needed a breather.
I couldn't go home in such short notice. I hate the whole process of travelling a whole day to reach home. Somehow I don't think I belong there.
The major thing which made me run away was his birthday. I knew if I was there, my mind will play games and I might end up messaging. This would not have been good.
When I am long forgotten, I will need to forget too.
I wanted to keep myself busy on that day to run away from such thoughts. I knew if I do it once, I will get the strength to get away.
But...
Bahut accha lagta hai na jab koi bina effort ke itna attention deta hai to.
This propelled my mind to think. To think of the past. To think what I have done. Where I have gone wrong.
And...I went back.
I just hoped that I didn't but I did.
I hate myself for being an overthinker. I wish I could just curse, give MC, BC gaalis and forget but it isn't me.
I lost again.
After the conversation, the only option seems to be to go away.
Away from all of this.
It has been difficult for me to deal with everything.
I know nobody will see from my perspective or understand me, I just wished they let me be.
I know am not doing any wrong.
Why??? Why do I listen? Why do I care?
Tuesday, 12 September 2017
Keep or Keeper
It has been a while, since I have written anything.
The continuous night calls make me loose my mind apart from sleep.
I sometimes wonder whether am a keeper or just a keep who becomes an inconsequential part of anybody's life with time.
I have a tendency of blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for opening up to people whom I am close to. I blame myself for doing what I was asked to. I blame myself for even thinking that I will get love in life. I blame myself for not being assertive enough and thus giving chances to people to pull me down every now and then. I blame myself for being emotional and attaching emotions to certain things and for believing in people.
I have changed in the last couple of years. I have lost the hope of a life, a future and a family. I have distanced myself from my own family trying to act on someone's opinion of me and improving myself. I have become very quiet and pensive and just mind my own work not indulge in frivolous talks unnecessarily.
I have come to realise that I will be there just for sometime in anybody's life and it will not take much to move on from me; be it whoever.
I have come to the realisation that am just a keep.
The reasons for me thinking so:
1. I have been bullied throughout my school days, even though I stood up whenever I could, I was not able to take it when a group of guys used to gang up against me. I should have been more strong and fought for my life then.
2. In college also, I didn't live a life. I ran away from ragging. Even though I was ragged once or twice, it didn't go to the extent of being beaten up and striped completely naked and paraded for me. Which some people call as something which makes people strong.
3. I just focussed on studies in my entire ug life. I always tried to do my best in studies and neglected the extra-curricular part because I was scared to be made fun of in such gatherings.
4. I believed in love and considered someone as mine. I loved like a child, with possessiveness, naak pe gussa kind of attitude. It doesn't work like that.
Nobody loves anyone in today's world. It is all just a matter of convenience.
5. I went and opened up to someone whom I am close to and was gullible enough to heed to their way of thinking.
6. I should have tried more and been more resilient for what I thought was the way for me. Instead I let emotions take the better of me and spiralled down in the web of depression at a very crucial juncture of my life.
7. I have never been the happy, happier and happiest kind and have been affected by so much complaining and sadness around me. I should not have let it affect me.
Now, coming to the things against:
1. Even though I have been bullied in school, I did stood up for myself. I hid everything from my parents and brother for a good 3-4 years (they themselves were not in a good position to be there for me, with my mom being bedridden). It was only when the bullying went beyond a point when the teachers also started ridiculing me in class or when it was a group of people involved that I broke down and opened up. I think other people would have cracked down much earlier.
2. I went to college after dropping a year, I was completely shaken. I had attempted suicide in the previous year and was cursing myself for being the reason because of which my parents had to pay 10 lakhs as fees. The only way to redeem myself was studies, which I did. I completely put myself in the grind and had just one focus to prove that I deserved better. In that scenario, I don't think seniors would have helped me as the main help they provide is by leaking examination papers, arranging booze, drugs and girls for a fuck. That was not my scene. It was hard but I survived through it.
3. As I mentioned earlier, I was engrossed only in studies and didn't participate in extra-curricular activities. I had the demons from the past where I was battling continuously with low self esteem and the fear of being ridiculed. I did what I thought was best at that point of time. I gave studies my all. Nobody can ever imagine how much of a racist country India is. I took all the taunts of me being from a backward state and kept on moving. Many people didn't. They just used to curse everyone and found solace in drinks or drugs. I didnt do any such thing. I did use to feel bad but I didn't give in and in the end, left the place with a mark.
4. I loved. Loved with my whole heart, with the child-like innocence. I used to take initiative in the beginning to talk even though there was a hesitation. Nobody will see that. I tried not to bother anyone and let them do what they want after I was told that they will do it only if they want. That can be taken very easily as my arrogance, nobody will see what they did there. I opened up completely, shed all my inhibitions. That was everything to me. I have specific boundaries and don't cross that with anyone but with that one person I was truly me. My mind to this date justifies everything the other person said or did. There were so many faults that were found in me. I still try to think of that person's opinion of me and try to bring about changes in me.
The purity of love was unparalled. I can't help if I was possessive and was someone who used to get angry every now and then. I never wanted for the person to leave their family and just be with me, I always cared for their family. I think when you love someone you should care for the people who have helped that person be what they are. I have always taken rights on people whom I consider mine and to only them my tantrums are limited to. I don't think I will ever be able to take rights on anybody. I will let it be. I do not have the strength.
I remember not using love so frivolously. I wanted the person to know me first and then say it. I guess, they didn't like the real me in the end. It didn't take much time to delete or block me.
I do curse myself for expecting honesty about certain things. Now, with time I don't think I ever will expect. I know I am just there for the time being, how much ever one says that I am their true love or whatever.
I might not ever be able to accept love or care but I can still love.
Coming back to the point, I think I would like to have someone like me, someone who could listen when needed. I would be lucky to have the purity of love that was on offer.
It is one thing that I am a sensitive person and that might have made it difficult for the other person to "handle". Thankfully I have changed with time and care much less than I did back then.
5. I don't think there is anything wrong in talking to your parents if you consider yourself to be in a soup. I did just that when I felt it might get overbearing for me. It is the only way I know to keep my sanity intact.
There are easier ways around where I can just drink or take drugs and forget my worries but that is not how I want my life to be.
I still did a mistake by being an easy target for emotional blackmail. I did heed in to the demand and did sacrifice the thing that I wanted the most. If you ask me, I would have done the same thing today also, if faced with a similar situation.
Now that I have gone through the phase and learnt my lessons, I need to choose what I think is right for me.
I know whatever that was done, was done to safeguard me and my future but it backfired for me.
What is done is done. Nothing can be changed now.
The other person will never know or understand my thought process. I do not expect anyone to. My journey is mine. Nobody else's.
6. I have learnt to be detached with time. Now there is always the door open for me. If somebody wants to stay they can, if they don't they are free to leave.
I dunno I can love with the same intensity ever again or not but my first priority will be to save myself now. I will try not to let emotions take the better of me and not love so much so the thought of loosing them might push me to suicidal thoughts.
A lesson learnt.
Hope I can change myself completely.
I know people can't live without love. I will try to give my best and not expect anything. This might lessen the number of fights too. :)
7. I have always been the life of my family. It has just been me who has shown them how to live or be happy. Maybe am not as proficient in it as others. I am trying, though.
Hmm..here goes the for and against the statement. Now is the time for me to rationally decide. (Quite an effect of psychotherapy sessions :P)
The continuous night calls make me loose my mind apart from sleep.
I sometimes wonder whether am a keeper or just a keep who becomes an inconsequential part of anybody's life with time.
I have a tendency of blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for opening up to people whom I am close to. I blame myself for doing what I was asked to. I blame myself for even thinking that I will get love in life. I blame myself for not being assertive enough and thus giving chances to people to pull me down every now and then. I blame myself for being emotional and attaching emotions to certain things and for believing in people.
I have changed in the last couple of years. I have lost the hope of a life, a future and a family. I have distanced myself from my own family trying to act on someone's opinion of me and improving myself. I have become very quiet and pensive and just mind my own work not indulge in frivolous talks unnecessarily.
I have come to realise that I will be there just for sometime in anybody's life and it will not take much to move on from me; be it whoever.
I have come to the realisation that am just a keep.
The reasons for me thinking so:
1. I have been bullied throughout my school days, even though I stood up whenever I could, I was not able to take it when a group of guys used to gang up against me. I should have been more strong and fought for my life then.
2. In college also, I didn't live a life. I ran away from ragging. Even though I was ragged once or twice, it didn't go to the extent of being beaten up and striped completely naked and paraded for me. Which some people call as something which makes people strong.
3. I just focussed on studies in my entire ug life. I always tried to do my best in studies and neglected the extra-curricular part because I was scared to be made fun of in such gatherings.
4. I believed in love and considered someone as mine. I loved like a child, with possessiveness, naak pe gussa kind of attitude. It doesn't work like that.
Nobody loves anyone in today's world. It is all just a matter of convenience.
5. I went and opened up to someone whom I am close to and was gullible enough to heed to their way of thinking.
6. I should have tried more and been more resilient for what I thought was the way for me. Instead I let emotions take the better of me and spiralled down in the web of depression at a very crucial juncture of my life.
7. I have never been the happy, happier and happiest kind and have been affected by so much complaining and sadness around me. I should not have let it affect me.
Now, coming to the things against:
1. Even though I have been bullied in school, I did stood up for myself. I hid everything from my parents and brother for a good 3-4 years (they themselves were not in a good position to be there for me, with my mom being bedridden). It was only when the bullying went beyond a point when the teachers also started ridiculing me in class or when it was a group of people involved that I broke down and opened up. I think other people would have cracked down much earlier.
2. I went to college after dropping a year, I was completely shaken. I had attempted suicide in the previous year and was cursing myself for being the reason because of which my parents had to pay 10 lakhs as fees. The only way to redeem myself was studies, which I did. I completely put myself in the grind and had just one focus to prove that I deserved better. In that scenario, I don't think seniors would have helped me as the main help they provide is by leaking examination papers, arranging booze, drugs and girls for a fuck. That was not my scene. It was hard but I survived through it.
3. As I mentioned earlier, I was engrossed only in studies and didn't participate in extra-curricular activities. I had the demons from the past where I was battling continuously with low self esteem and the fear of being ridiculed. I did what I thought was best at that point of time. I gave studies my all. Nobody can ever imagine how much of a racist country India is. I took all the taunts of me being from a backward state and kept on moving. Many people didn't. They just used to curse everyone and found solace in drinks or drugs. I didnt do any such thing. I did use to feel bad but I didn't give in and in the end, left the place with a mark.
4. I loved. Loved with my whole heart, with the child-like innocence. I used to take initiative in the beginning to talk even though there was a hesitation. Nobody will see that. I tried not to bother anyone and let them do what they want after I was told that they will do it only if they want. That can be taken very easily as my arrogance, nobody will see what they did there. I opened up completely, shed all my inhibitions. That was everything to me. I have specific boundaries and don't cross that with anyone but with that one person I was truly me. My mind to this date justifies everything the other person said or did. There were so many faults that were found in me. I still try to think of that person's opinion of me and try to bring about changes in me.
The purity of love was unparalled. I can't help if I was possessive and was someone who used to get angry every now and then. I never wanted for the person to leave their family and just be with me, I always cared for their family. I think when you love someone you should care for the people who have helped that person be what they are. I have always taken rights on people whom I consider mine and to only them my tantrums are limited to. I don't think I will ever be able to take rights on anybody. I will let it be. I do not have the strength.
I remember not using love so frivolously. I wanted the person to know me first and then say it. I guess, they didn't like the real me in the end. It didn't take much time to delete or block me.
I do curse myself for expecting honesty about certain things. Now, with time I don't think I ever will expect. I know I am just there for the time being, how much ever one says that I am their true love or whatever.
I might not ever be able to accept love or care but I can still love.
Coming back to the point, I think I would like to have someone like me, someone who could listen when needed. I would be lucky to have the purity of love that was on offer.
It is one thing that I am a sensitive person and that might have made it difficult for the other person to "handle". Thankfully I have changed with time and care much less than I did back then.
5. I don't think there is anything wrong in talking to your parents if you consider yourself to be in a soup. I did just that when I felt it might get overbearing for me. It is the only way I know to keep my sanity intact.
There are easier ways around where I can just drink or take drugs and forget my worries but that is not how I want my life to be.
I still did a mistake by being an easy target for emotional blackmail. I did heed in to the demand and did sacrifice the thing that I wanted the most. If you ask me, I would have done the same thing today also, if faced with a similar situation.
Now that I have gone through the phase and learnt my lessons, I need to choose what I think is right for me.
I know whatever that was done, was done to safeguard me and my future but it backfired for me.
What is done is done. Nothing can be changed now.
The other person will never know or understand my thought process. I do not expect anyone to. My journey is mine. Nobody else's.
6. I have learnt to be detached with time. Now there is always the door open for me. If somebody wants to stay they can, if they don't they are free to leave.
I dunno I can love with the same intensity ever again or not but my first priority will be to save myself now. I will try not to let emotions take the better of me and not love so much so the thought of loosing them might push me to suicidal thoughts.
A lesson learnt.
Hope I can change myself completely.
I know people can't live without love. I will try to give my best and not expect anything. This might lessen the number of fights too. :)
7. I have always been the life of my family. It has just been me who has shown them how to live or be happy. Maybe am not as proficient in it as others. I am trying, though.
Hmm..here goes the for and against the statement. Now is the time for me to rationally decide. (Quite an effect of psychotherapy sessions :P)
Thursday, 29 June 2017
One Last Time
Hmmmm...
I want it to be the very last time. The very last time that person is mentioned here.
Someone just told me a few days back by just a cursory glance over my blog, that it seems like am really angry on someone. Really does it appear so??
I really don't think am angry. I was deeply hurt and still am, surely not angry.
I don't think I can be angry on the person I loved truly, ever. I might be pissed at times but will never have that vengeful anger.
I take rights on the people am really close to. I considered him completely mine. As close as my immediate family, in a very different and romantic manner, though. So, I really don't think, I can ever think bad of him.
Nobody will understand my mindset and it is okay.
I am not someone who usually hides things from my parents. I do try to keep certain things just to me but at certain points I do open up.
This thing of mine has landed me in a complete mess, I had to choose between the people I love.
Nobody will know how much it breaks you from inside to loose someone you love because you are asked to, by someone whom you love the most.
It takes away a large part of you with it.
It hurts even more when someone thinks of you as emotionally unstable or someone who is unable to look beyond his emotions.
Nobody will ever know what I go through every day. I have suicidal thoughts and being treated for depression, that will all be a meager thing.
How much ever I try, I don't think that person will be erased from my mind (not until someone takes that place), I go to temples and feel like praying for that person and I do so, too. Whenever I sit idle, or even while working, I just hope for that person to be happy.
I know, once things are gone, it's gone. One has to move on.
But do you forget your first love?
My mom sees me like this and she feels what she has done at certain times, she wants to talk to that person and see things can work or not. I know, it has all ended. Whatever I do, nothing is going to happen now.
One can try a few times. I did too. I tried how much ever I could have.
I think everybody has their breaking points. I reached mine, a while ago.
I have lost the hope. The hope for a better life and love.
But life goes on...
I want it to be the very last time. The very last time that person is mentioned here.
Someone just told me a few days back by just a cursory glance over my blog, that it seems like am really angry on someone. Really does it appear so??
I really don't think am angry. I was deeply hurt and still am, surely not angry.
I don't think I can be angry on the person I loved truly, ever. I might be pissed at times but will never have that vengeful anger.
I take rights on the people am really close to. I considered him completely mine. As close as my immediate family, in a very different and romantic manner, though. So, I really don't think, I can ever think bad of him.
Nobody will understand my mindset and it is okay.
I am not someone who usually hides things from my parents. I do try to keep certain things just to me but at certain points I do open up.
This thing of mine has landed me in a complete mess, I had to choose between the people I love.
Nobody will know how much it breaks you from inside to loose someone you love because you are asked to, by someone whom you love the most.
It takes away a large part of you with it.
It hurts even more when someone thinks of you as emotionally unstable or someone who is unable to look beyond his emotions.
Nobody will ever know what I go through every day. I have suicidal thoughts and being treated for depression, that will all be a meager thing.
How much ever I try, I don't think that person will be erased from my mind (not until someone takes that place), I go to temples and feel like praying for that person and I do so, too. Whenever I sit idle, or even while working, I just hope for that person to be happy.
I know, once things are gone, it's gone. One has to move on.
But do you forget your first love?
My mom sees me like this and she feels what she has done at certain times, she wants to talk to that person and see things can work or not. I know, it has all ended. Whatever I do, nothing is going to happen now.
One can try a few times. I did too. I tried how much ever I could have.
I think everybody has their breaking points. I reached mine, a while ago.
I have lost the hope. The hope for a better life and love.
But life goes on...
 |
| And the snowstorm came... |
Tuesday, 23 May 2017
Of Doom & Despair
Hmmm
I guess it is time for me to write something.
I had been having the thoughts of despair & doom again, since a while. It had become unbearable for me to continue with the night calls and stuff.
The severity of palpitations and breathlessness kind of increased and it was alarming and I finally thought I should go and consult someone again. My blood pressure was the usual for me i.e. 144/100 mmHg. But still, I was advised some more medications to keep my heart a bit safe from all the pressure. I was advised complete rest and since we are not supposed to take sick leaves, I had to go and plead to the professor for it.
He said something that made me think about my future.
He said and I quote "Even my father-in-law had hypertension but he got it at a later age, you still have about two thirds of your life left ahead of you...hmmm...My father-in-law somehow managed but his last time was really difficult. After the stroke, he died neuron by neuron. A really painful death."
Even though I have started my medications and trying to fight the feelings of doom & despair, these words kinda stay with me....he died a very painful death, neuron by neuron....
Is my end going to be like that?
Neuron by neuron.....
I guess it is time for me to write something.
I had been having the thoughts of despair & doom again, since a while. It had become unbearable for me to continue with the night calls and stuff.
The severity of palpitations and breathlessness kind of increased and it was alarming and I finally thought I should go and consult someone again. My blood pressure was the usual for me i.e. 144/100 mmHg. But still, I was advised some more medications to keep my heart a bit safe from all the pressure. I was advised complete rest and since we are not supposed to take sick leaves, I had to go and plead to the professor for it.
He said something that made me think about my future.
He said and I quote "Even my father-in-law had hypertension but he got it at a later age, you still have about two thirds of your life left ahead of you...hmmm...My father-in-law somehow managed but his last time was really difficult. After the stroke, he died neuron by neuron. A really painful death."
Even though I have started my medications and trying to fight the feelings of doom & despair, these words kinda stay with me....he died a very painful death, neuron by neuron....
Is my end going to be like that?
Neuron by neuron.....
Friday, 14 April 2017
Of Choices & Destiny
I do wonder at times, what's the purpose of all this?
What am I going to get out of all this?
Is this really worth my life?
Just a bit of a back story: Late 2014-Early 2015, a time when I had to decide what's next. What should I choose in life and where I want to see myself a few years down the line.
It was one of the crucial decisions of my life, a decision where I had to choose between what I like and what I am supposed to like. A decision which will change the way am perceived by the people and what will decide what the future will hold for me.
It was the time when I had left everything to God. I was supposed to decide on future course of my career, while I was going through the pain that I had experienced for the first time (The pain called love).
I had to choose between the glamourous options like surgery, medicine and what I liked, the non-glamourous ones. A choice where I had to choose between what the society thinks is better for me or what I think is better for me. A choice where I had to choose between what is more "rewarding" (in terms of patient interaction & money) and what is more suited for me. I knew, even if chose to be a clinician, I might not like it in the long run (the pressure and other factors would have taken me for a ride), while choosing to be behind the curtains, I will be more at peace with myself and be with what I love (microscopes & slides) for the rest of my life.
It was a tough decision to make because guys are generally not "supposed" to take such fields. These fields are for people who want a "relaxed" life.
After a lot of deliberation, I chose what I liked. I thought one should do what they like and are fit for rather than running behind a mirage.
Cut to present: 2 years down the line, I do think at times, did I choose right?
Did I make a right decision?
Did I play with my life?
All my friends and colleagues from under graduation are pursuing the clinical specialities (how & why is a topic for some other day, not the right time for it), while I am doing something that is looked down upon at times.
Did I choose right?
I had the option, I could have gone for other specialities, did I do the right thing?
Now, I don't think anyone is satisfied here. This, being a place they consider the best in the country for my field, still people are not happy here, why?
Why does everyone just want to finish (if they can) and leave? Why they all talk how frustrated they are? Why?
A place like this is certainly not easy. The workload is unparalleled, with almost ten calls in a month and no sleep at all for many days, in addition to the daily humiliation and ridicule (with no returns in comparison). Many people leave the course midway and go, they loose a few years of their lives but still they choose to leave, why?
The thought of leaving it all, comes to all their minds. Some manage; while some let it go. The "negativity" is not worth it, they say.
This makes me dwell even more, did I do the right thing?
I believe it was in my destiny.
Destiny.
Was it?
What am I going to get out of all this?
Is this really worth my life?
Just a bit of a back story: Late 2014-Early 2015, a time when I had to decide what's next. What should I choose in life and where I want to see myself a few years down the line.
It was one of the crucial decisions of my life, a decision where I had to choose between what I like and what I am supposed to like. A decision which will change the way am perceived by the people and what will decide what the future will hold for me.
It was the time when I had left everything to God. I was supposed to decide on future course of my career, while I was going through the pain that I had experienced for the first time (The pain called love).
I had to choose between the glamourous options like surgery, medicine and what I liked, the non-glamourous ones. A choice where I had to choose between what the society thinks is better for me or what I think is better for me. A choice where I had to choose between what is more "rewarding" (in terms of patient interaction & money) and what is more suited for me. I knew, even if chose to be a clinician, I might not like it in the long run (the pressure and other factors would have taken me for a ride), while choosing to be behind the curtains, I will be more at peace with myself and be with what I love (microscopes & slides) for the rest of my life.
It was a tough decision to make because guys are generally not "supposed" to take such fields. These fields are for people who want a "relaxed" life.
After a lot of deliberation, I chose what I liked. I thought one should do what they like and are fit for rather than running behind a mirage.
Cut to present: 2 years down the line, I do think at times, did I choose right?
Did I make a right decision?
Did I play with my life?
All my friends and colleagues from under graduation are pursuing the clinical specialities (how & why is a topic for some other day, not the right time for it), while I am doing something that is looked down upon at times.
Did I choose right?
I had the option, I could have gone for other specialities, did I do the right thing?
Now, I don't think anyone is satisfied here. This, being a place they consider the best in the country for my field, still people are not happy here, why?
Why does everyone just want to finish (if they can) and leave? Why they all talk how frustrated they are? Why?
A place like this is certainly not easy. The workload is unparalleled, with almost ten calls in a month and no sleep at all for many days, in addition to the daily humiliation and ridicule (with no returns in comparison). Many people leave the course midway and go, they loose a few years of their lives but still they choose to leave, why?
The thought of leaving it all, comes to all their minds. Some manage; while some let it go. The "negativity" is not worth it, they say.
This makes me dwell even more, did I do the right thing?
I believe it was in my destiny.
Destiny.
Was it?
 |
| Destiny. Something that I never thought was in mine. But, it was. :) |
Tuesday, 11 April 2017
Just
To somebody,
You think I have not tried to talk to that person? I have, if one has hatred for me, what am I supposed to do?
The person talks how much he lost on the way. How much did I loose?
The person is a changed being. It will not matter one bit if I keep on thinking about that person to him. For him, he moved on long long ago.
He is not even in a lookout for a one to one relation.
What would you do if somebody you have emotions for, didn't have any "valid" emotion for you?
What would you do if somebody has changed so much that they want a groupie now?
Would you give your love to that person?
Does my love not deserve a better end?
What am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to live with someone who doesn't value me or should I live by myself, with whatever love I have?
What would you have done?
You think I have not tried to talk to that person? I have, if one has hatred for me, what am I supposed to do?
The person talks how much he lost on the way. How much did I loose?
The person is a changed being. It will not matter one bit if I keep on thinking about that person to him. For him, he moved on long long ago.
He is not even in a lookout for a one to one relation.
What would you do if somebody you have emotions for, didn't have any "valid" emotion for you?
What would you do if somebody has changed so much that they want a groupie now?
Would you give your love to that person?
Does my love not deserve a better end?
What am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to live with someone who doesn't value me or should I live by myself, with whatever love I have?
What would you have done?
Tuesday, 7 March 2017
Mistakes of My Life
I need to talk to someone and this seems like a better way
to pour my heart out.
I need to keep it short and simple too because of this
severe headache since few days (such an usual thing now, bound to be if one is
up for whole night 10 days a month without any offs).
And here starts my cribbing.
Firstly, I am wrong to be this Satyavadi Harishchadra. It is
not the way to be in today's world. I should just lie boldly and not be so
sincere. People use that to their advantage. I have been trying since long and
still it is not happening with me. I will keep on trying. I need to have a
thick skin, ability to lie on the face and not give a fuck about anything.
Secondly, I have come a long way from the naive guy. At
least, I now understand love. It is all crap. Of course, you love me- but until
you find someone better, that's the motto that I should have had in life. I
have ruined my life because of love and I will not do that anymore. I was such
a jackass to have loved so deeply. People don't deserve it. People tell me what
they have lost because of loving me but nobody even bothers what I lost in the
process. I should not have been like that. A part of me might still have a soft
corner for certain people but now, when I look back, I don't think I lost too
much. I will get such thing from 2-3 people in my life but what I had for them
was/is/will be quite rare to find.
Thirdly and most importantly, just because am supposed to be
a "doctor", it doesn't mean that am not a human being. Not letting
one sleep at all for ten days in a month, without any offs is outright nonsense.
It plays with my biological clock. It affects my health adversely.
I can't take it anymore. I have had enough.
I know, when people will read this, they will shout at me,
say how weak/delicate I am. How oblivious I am to everything good around
me. I will just say, just because I let
you in my deepest thoughts, it doesn't entitle you to judge me.
To those people: FUCK OFF YOU MOTHERFUCKING BASTARDS...
Sunday, 5 March 2017
The Internship: Part I
And let's go back in time, again :)
Wooooooosh........
Here comes February 11, 2013.
I had been in home for a week or so. The anxious me was checking the university website for the results regularly. I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me, all the cases, PVD (Surgery), Atrial Fibrillation (Medicine), DUB (Gynac) kept flashing in my mind. I was going through the vivas again in mind and trying to console myself that I had done the best that I could have. It was maybe somewhere in the evening that I got a message that results have been declared. I opened the website with a pounding heart. I still remember seeing the word PASSED with the pink background. I burst out crying. I wasn't sure of passing, there were so many things that had gone wrong in the past, the people who had been displeased of the fact that an outsider can be good, there have been a lot of things that happened.
All that is a thing for some other time. This is not the right time for me to speak out. Maybe few years later.
I remember being relieved. My mother had been equally relieved. I had decided that I will end everything if anything goes wrong this time around. She was just relieved to have me alive, I guess. We had gone to a restaurant that night, there was the first time that I even looked at my marks. It was something around 69.6%. I was just thankful to God and didn't think beyond that. I was content with just passing.
And then came the phase of taking a transfer. Ummm...Since MBBS is composed of 4.5 years of study and a year of internship, in certain cases after completing the study, people opt for other hospitals to do their internship, mainly in search of a conducive environment for studies, to prepare for PG exams, etc.
I had also thought of going back home for my internship, I needed to be somewhere close to home, so I can gain back the things that I lost in these 4.5 years.
For a transfer we needed NOC from our parent college and the place where we are taking a transfer to. To get NOC, there was an interview scheduled for all interested people. I also applied and arranged for a sum of 1 lac rupees, to be paid as a transfer charge. There were about twenty people who had applied. Generally, whoever applies for a transfer, gets it. So, I was hopeful of going home in a few days. But as it turns out, I wasn't granted the transfer. 19 people had got it and I was the only one, who didn't. I remember sitting in the garden of my college and thinking, what will happen now, how will I cope up, how will I study and get a PG seat or prepare for other exams.
Nothing could have been done, so I had to start here. And so it began...
8th March, 2013: The first day of my internship. I was posted in ENT for 15 days. I remember going to the wards and asking where to report for the duty, since I was alone in the unit, I didn't know where to go. A PG helped me, she told me to go a prof in the OPD. I went there along with my reporting letter. He made me write that letter three times after throwing it on my face the first time (This is the reason, if anyone tells me to write a letter now I go really formal and write a proper novel kind of a thing). Anyways, it started, I started sitting in the OPDs, prescribing drugs, examining patients and stuff. Then came the OT day, I was given a chance to close a surgery (suturing a parotid abscess case in my first posting only, people generally never get a chance throughout the whole year but I got in my first posting). Even though I wasn't really excited about it all, but I went ahead with it. Somehow surgeries have never excited me, I have been a part of difficult and long surgeries but never even once did I like it.
Coming to the next posting, Ophthalmology, again for 15 days. It was a light posting where even though we used to work throughout but there being two other people from my batch, the work used to get divided. I remember telling people to close there and read the Snellen chart (Used to be be almost 50-60 pt/day/intern). Assisted in Phaco and such surgeries. With all the night duties looming large, I had to shift nearer to the hospital. It was the time when I shifted from my college room to a place near the hospital (Since the hospital and the college are almost 7-8 km apart). It was very small place but something that I thought was okay to crash down since there was not going to be any holidays throughout the year, not even Sundays. We were "entitled" to one CL a month, that too depended on the HOD and was a rarity. Anyways, somehow another 15 days went by.
And then came Casualty, something that changed my perspective about medicine completely. It made me realise, this is not the place to be, for me. If you can't dissociate your emotions from people, you are not supposed to be a doctor.
In Casualty posting, the duties are generally divided into, 8-2pm, 2-8pm, 8pm-8am. I was posted for the night duties, i.e. 8pm-8am for the first five-six days. I learnt a lot during that time. I had to act as triage person and evaluate patients when they came to the emergency department and take in patients only if they had a chance of surviving or if there are any beds available. I used to be horrified throughout the night, people used to just barge in and demand their relatives to be treated or brought back to life. I being just an intern could only give CPR or try my best to refer them to the Post-graduates. Once, I remember, I had taken in a patient with haematemesis, thinking that there are ventilator/ICU beds available and we can do something to save the guy. But it was not the case, the man died in the hospital. And a post-graduate just kept yelling at me because of his frustration that he died because of you and now I have to fill up his death form. I still remember those words, this man died because of you, you are responsible for his death. It was not my fault. He was in a critical condition. The medicine PG just took out his frustration on me. I remember going to a secluded place in the hospital and breaking down there completely at one in the night. It disillusioned me completely from the whole "doctor" thing. I was pretty sure by now that this is not how it should be. This is not something that I can take, I had tried my best to save that person, if he died, I should not have been blamed for his death just because I did the mistake of trying to save him, to get him in the hospital. I learnt a lesson, lesson being nobody gives a fuck about a life.
The days passed and I saw a lot, I had hid myself from angry patient relatives who had come to hit me because they thought their relative was serious but to me, she seemed normal. There was no watchman or nurses who would have come to save me, they would have all enjoyed the show, I had to run and lock myself in a empty room to save myself from getting beaten up. I saw many deaths, suicides, RTAs. It all made me realise what it takes to become a doctor.
I will remember those 15 days, all my life. Those days are one of the reasons, why I don't want to become a clinician. I don't think I can take people dying and laugh about it an hour later, as if nothing has happened, I don't think I am someone who will just send off somebody to other hospital just because there are high chances that one can die in the premises of "my" hospital.
But there were many things yet to learn....
After Casualty, started dermatology, again for 15 days, by this time, I had become a favourite among the PGs, they knew that I would do the work, so they used to tell me to do their work and I being a naive asshole did too. In dermatology, I saw TEN cases, I used to dress a person twice a day who had extensive lesions throughout their bodies. It was an okay posting, which went without troubles and I needed that time to compose myself before I started Surgery.
8, May-8 July, 2013: I was posted in Surgery Unit III. We had to do dressing of Post-op patients (patients used to stay for a month or two because of non-healing ulcers), do the usual follow up, prescribe drugs, evaluate patients for OT postings, suture removals etc. In this unit, we were supposed to prescribe only the drugs with whose company the professor had a tie-up with. He used to thrash anybody, who used to prescribe any other drug other than those. It is just the tip of the iceberg. These kind of things happen everywhere. Again, something that I didn't approve of.
Anyways, this was the posting in which I assisted in many surgeries, from just 30 min ones to even 7-8 hr ones. I remember holding the intestines of one patient in my hand and standing while it underwent slow movements of peristalsis in my hand and then keeping my hand inside the body cavity to push the liver to one side, so that the consultant can get a better view of the aorta. It was a massive 7 hour surgery. And I was the only intern assisting. In those two months, I got enough options to suture and assist in surgeries. Woosh, still I didn't like the whole procedure of changing clothes, washing hands with soap, betadine, changing into into gowns and then assisting in surgeries. I used to hate the whole process and just want to run away.
This was the posting where I was called a rapist, just because I didn't take permission before taking BP of a patient's relative because I was asked to. I remember, the Wednesday afternoon, when a Professor just said that "where you come from, the only thing that your parents taught is to do whatever you want. You are someone who is a rapist." This I will never forget in my life. It kind of made me realise that I am not welcome here, whatever I do, I will always be a third class person here, just because I was born in such a place.
To this date, I don't know where I belong...
P.S.- Sorry for an abrupt end. Gotta go. Got other work to do. Will write about the remaining eight months sometime later. :)
Wooooooosh........
Here comes February 11, 2013.
I had been in home for a week or so. The anxious me was checking the university website for the results regularly. I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me, all the cases, PVD (Surgery), Atrial Fibrillation (Medicine), DUB (Gynac) kept flashing in my mind. I was going through the vivas again in mind and trying to console myself that I had done the best that I could have. It was maybe somewhere in the evening that I got a message that results have been declared. I opened the website with a pounding heart. I still remember seeing the word PASSED with the pink background. I burst out crying. I wasn't sure of passing, there were so many things that had gone wrong in the past, the people who had been displeased of the fact that an outsider can be good, there have been a lot of things that happened.
All that is a thing for some other time. This is not the right time for me to speak out. Maybe few years later.
I remember being relieved. My mother had been equally relieved. I had decided that I will end everything if anything goes wrong this time around. She was just relieved to have me alive, I guess. We had gone to a restaurant that night, there was the first time that I even looked at my marks. It was something around 69.6%. I was just thankful to God and didn't think beyond that. I was content with just passing.
And then came the phase of taking a transfer. Ummm...Since MBBS is composed of 4.5 years of study and a year of internship, in certain cases after completing the study, people opt for other hospitals to do their internship, mainly in search of a conducive environment for studies, to prepare for PG exams, etc.
I had also thought of going back home for my internship, I needed to be somewhere close to home, so I can gain back the things that I lost in these 4.5 years.
For a transfer we needed NOC from our parent college and the place where we are taking a transfer to. To get NOC, there was an interview scheduled for all interested people. I also applied and arranged for a sum of 1 lac rupees, to be paid as a transfer charge. There were about twenty people who had applied. Generally, whoever applies for a transfer, gets it. So, I was hopeful of going home in a few days. But as it turns out, I wasn't granted the transfer. 19 people had got it and I was the only one, who didn't. I remember sitting in the garden of my college and thinking, what will happen now, how will I cope up, how will I study and get a PG seat or prepare for other exams.
Nothing could have been done, so I had to start here. And so it began...
8th March, 2013: The first day of my internship. I was posted in ENT for 15 days. I remember going to the wards and asking where to report for the duty, since I was alone in the unit, I didn't know where to go. A PG helped me, she told me to go a prof in the OPD. I went there along with my reporting letter. He made me write that letter three times after throwing it on my face the first time (This is the reason, if anyone tells me to write a letter now I go really formal and write a proper novel kind of a thing). Anyways, it started, I started sitting in the OPDs, prescribing drugs, examining patients and stuff. Then came the OT day, I was given a chance to close a surgery (suturing a parotid abscess case in my first posting only, people generally never get a chance throughout the whole year but I got in my first posting). Even though I wasn't really excited about it all, but I went ahead with it. Somehow surgeries have never excited me, I have been a part of difficult and long surgeries but never even once did I like it.
Coming to the next posting, Ophthalmology, again for 15 days. It was a light posting where even though we used to work throughout but there being two other people from my batch, the work used to get divided. I remember telling people to close there and read the Snellen chart (Used to be be almost 50-60 pt/day/intern). Assisted in Phaco and such surgeries. With all the night duties looming large, I had to shift nearer to the hospital. It was the time when I shifted from my college room to a place near the hospital (Since the hospital and the college are almost 7-8 km apart). It was very small place but something that I thought was okay to crash down since there was not going to be any holidays throughout the year, not even Sundays. We were "entitled" to one CL a month, that too depended on the HOD and was a rarity. Anyways, somehow another 15 days went by.
And then came Casualty, something that changed my perspective about medicine completely. It made me realise, this is not the place to be, for me. If you can't dissociate your emotions from people, you are not supposed to be a doctor.
In Casualty posting, the duties are generally divided into, 8-2pm, 2-8pm, 8pm-8am. I was posted for the night duties, i.e. 8pm-8am for the first five-six days. I learnt a lot during that time. I had to act as triage person and evaluate patients when they came to the emergency department and take in patients only if they had a chance of surviving or if there are any beds available. I used to be horrified throughout the night, people used to just barge in and demand their relatives to be treated or brought back to life. I being just an intern could only give CPR or try my best to refer them to the Post-graduates. Once, I remember, I had taken in a patient with haematemesis, thinking that there are ventilator/ICU beds available and we can do something to save the guy. But it was not the case, the man died in the hospital. And a post-graduate just kept yelling at me because of his frustration that he died because of you and now I have to fill up his death form. I still remember those words, this man died because of you, you are responsible for his death. It was not my fault. He was in a critical condition. The medicine PG just took out his frustration on me. I remember going to a secluded place in the hospital and breaking down there completely at one in the night. It disillusioned me completely from the whole "doctor" thing. I was pretty sure by now that this is not how it should be. This is not something that I can take, I had tried my best to save that person, if he died, I should not have been blamed for his death just because I did the mistake of trying to save him, to get him in the hospital. I learnt a lesson, lesson being nobody gives a fuck about a life.
The days passed and I saw a lot, I had hid myself from angry patient relatives who had come to hit me because they thought their relative was serious but to me, she seemed normal. There was no watchman or nurses who would have come to save me, they would have all enjoyed the show, I had to run and lock myself in a empty room to save myself from getting beaten up. I saw many deaths, suicides, RTAs. It all made me realise what it takes to become a doctor.
I will remember those 15 days, all my life. Those days are one of the reasons, why I don't want to become a clinician. I don't think I can take people dying and laugh about it an hour later, as if nothing has happened, I don't think I am someone who will just send off somebody to other hospital just because there are high chances that one can die in the premises of "my" hospital.
But there were many things yet to learn....
After Casualty, started dermatology, again for 15 days, by this time, I had become a favourite among the PGs, they knew that I would do the work, so they used to tell me to do their work and I being a naive asshole did too. In dermatology, I saw TEN cases, I used to dress a person twice a day who had extensive lesions throughout their bodies. It was an okay posting, which went without troubles and I needed that time to compose myself before I started Surgery.
8, May-8 July, 2013: I was posted in Surgery Unit III. We had to do dressing of Post-op patients (patients used to stay for a month or two because of non-healing ulcers), do the usual follow up, prescribe drugs, evaluate patients for OT postings, suture removals etc. In this unit, we were supposed to prescribe only the drugs with whose company the professor had a tie-up with. He used to thrash anybody, who used to prescribe any other drug other than those. It is just the tip of the iceberg. These kind of things happen everywhere. Again, something that I didn't approve of.
Anyways, this was the posting in which I assisted in many surgeries, from just 30 min ones to even 7-8 hr ones. I remember holding the intestines of one patient in my hand and standing while it underwent slow movements of peristalsis in my hand and then keeping my hand inside the body cavity to push the liver to one side, so that the consultant can get a better view of the aorta. It was a massive 7 hour surgery. And I was the only intern assisting. In those two months, I got enough options to suture and assist in surgeries. Woosh, still I didn't like the whole procedure of changing clothes, washing hands with soap, betadine, changing into into gowns and then assisting in surgeries. I used to hate the whole process and just want to run away.
This was the posting where I was called a rapist, just because I didn't take permission before taking BP of a patient's relative because I was asked to. I remember, the Wednesday afternoon, when a Professor just said that "where you come from, the only thing that your parents taught is to do whatever you want. You are someone who is a rapist." This I will never forget in my life. It kind of made me realise that I am not welcome here, whatever I do, I will always be a third class person here, just because I was born in such a place.
To this date, I don't know where I belong...
P.S.- Sorry for an abrupt end. Gotta go. Got other work to do. Will write about the remaining eight months sometime later. :)
 |
| Life: A never-ending quest |
Tuesday, 21 February 2017
Something...
Some good lines, that I read somewhere. Kinda answers some
questions people ask me.
The question being, why are you afraid of love?
So, here it goes.
It is not that am not capable of loving, I have loved in
ways that people can never imagine.
What I fear is falling so deeply in love with someone and
investing so much into them, only to discover that they do not feel the same
about me or what they had once said, was just an illusion, they never checked
the "validity" of their emotions. To me, that is how you die while
still breathing and you can never recover from that, no matter how hard you
try.
Having said that, nothing takes away from the fact that I
have been jealous, immature, head over heels for someone and have done or said
certain things which shouldn't have been said.
 |
| A closed door (July, 2014) |
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