Of love and hurt

Chalo, let's bother you again ;)

I am again going mad. Well, I know by now it must be irritating for you but please listen. You are the only one who listens to me. I can't keep a diary because it has high chances of being read by someone, you are my secret friend.

(Haai Ram!!!! I am writing a blog like I am talking to someone, when did I become this dramatic? :@)

I still think of that person. I still go back to our WhatsApp chats in the middle of the night and keep on reminding myself that am nobody to bother or irritate anyone. Why the hell I still think of running to that person. It pains me to think of the hurt that I caused to that person. Why do I discount the fact that I was hurt too? Why am I like this? Why did I get jealous? Why did I get attached so much, that pressurised the other person? Why didn't I let it be? Not every relation needs a name. Why did I get angry? It is my fault that I am extremely emotional and sensitive, why should anyone else make their life a hell for me? Why did I consider myself so important?

I have tried to erase someone from my mind, nahi hota mujhse. What more should I do? I don't even touch my phone for days, have just immersed myself completely in other aspects of life but still that person's thoughts come into my mind. 

People have told me to date, I don't want to. I can't. It is not necessary that everyone should be like- aaj tum kal koi aur. I really can't. That person was the only one I have really opened upto, bared myself completely, shared all my dreams. There was none before or after that person. Nobody can take that place. That person was, is and always will be very special for me.

Why can't I be alone? What is wrong with it?

I guess, this is what is love...

For me, love happens only once. And it did.

Somewhere... November, 2015

P.S.- I don't think I will bother you much from now. There was a lot going on and I needed someone who can just listen. Thank you and sorry for bothering.

Gosh!!! I am writing a blog as if am talking to someone. Do I need to get a Psych consult? :P

I Give Up

November, 2015.

I really can't be like this. I can't be the joker anymore.

I can't take it anymore. I miss my old self.

I know it is very easy to move on from me. It's very easy to forget me and get detached. I really can't do the same. I don't care whether I am laughed at or made fun of by the very same person, who at once was everything for me but I really can't pretend.

I do care for that person still. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

Why am I this emotional, still?

I have tried to change myself time and again. But somehow it doesn't seem possible.

Why do I continuously rewind in my mind the fact that, someone so important to me considered me to be sissy, unable to look beyond my emotions and someone who finds reasons to be unhappy and blames others for my unhappiness.

I now know that I have no right to be jealous, to ask for a name for a relation and to even expect someone to be clear about some things in life. I have finally accepted the fact that there would have been many before me, there will be many after me and heck there might be many while someone is with me too.

I give up. I give up all my dreams, a hope for love..forever.

Ab nahi hoga mujhse...Goodbye to my hopes and dreams.

I give up.

(Sorry for the disjointed thoughts. Pardon me and thanks again.)

P.S.- You can laugh all you want, laugh your hearts out at me. At least I gave you something to laugh about. :)