Sophomore:The slow n steady second(Part II)

After the exams, I was in desperate need of some change of place and as we had 3-4 days holidays between the next term , I thought of going to my uncle's place in Bangalore for refreshing my mind. It was next to impossible to even think of going home in the short duration and I was in no mood to bunk classes so as to be able to spend some time in home. I had thought of taking a short break after the end of my fourth term examinations , so as to be able to attend a cousin's wedding back home. 

Quite a few of my batchmates had left for home. Many south Indians ,who were just a few hours from their hometown had left and few others had gone to places like Coorg, Goa and such. I was mostly close to buddies from south and had very few friends/acquaintances from the north( no reason, just that I guess my sensibilities matched more with them). I was secretly hoping that somebody will ask me to join for a trip somewhere but deep down I knew that , it won't be the case. My image was of someone, who was seen only with books and was not interested in anything other than that. While that wasn't exactly the case, I had no energy or inclination to change anyone's opinion of myself , because once people form an image of you in their mind, it is very difficult to prove to the contrary.

Hence , I packed my bags and left for Bangalore. Had an awesome time there, away from all books, classes, schedules and stuff. Frequented quite a lot of malls(especially the Forum mall...hey ,it was a big thing for me in those days ) and even the ISKCON temple there. I was recharged to face the next few months.

ISKCON Bangalore

Was back to Mysore , to face the challenges ahead. In 4 term, we are generally posted in the departments like Respiratory Medicine, Casualty, Community Medicine, Forensic, Psychiatry , Anaesthesia and Radiology. I was looking forward to it as till now ,we were exposed to only the Core Clinical branches, and I was excited to explore and get acquainted with what was until now the unexplored territory for me. Along with all this we had moved on from General Pathology, Micro and Pharmacology and were now to read more about Systemic Pathology, Bacteriology  and drugs for various systems. 

I had again gotten used to the daily routine and was just happy in my space when one day one of my colleagues just called to congratulate me ,that I had been selected for the said studentship by ICMR. I was elated, I had never expected it..I just wanted to apply for the same and didn't want to loose the opportunity. And here it was...I was selected...I met my guide...started brainstorming as to how to proceed about the project. Got involved and searched on the internet about the various aspects for conducting a research. It was something which I will be thankful for all my life, as it gave me an insight about the research methodologies and ways to perform a study. I am sure that it will prove beneficial for me later in life.  

Time flew...I got acquainted with the new departments, It was not exactly difficult but altogether a new experience. The most memorable ones for me were Casualty, Community Medicine and Forensic. Each provoked some sentiments in me and made me realise how difficult it is to be a Doctor. 

First, let's come to Casualty....It was the first time that I entered ICUs and was made to face the harsh realities of life. Seeing people in critical states with their relatives anxious about their well-being is something that I can never forget. I witnessed someone dying for the first time in front of my eyes and the Postgraduates and seniors performing CPR. It was something that completely shook me. My first time, that I have seen someone losing their loved ones and the sense of loss it brings with it. I for the first time thought, maybe I am not fit for this profession...while my other batchmates were not too shaken by all of it..I was really disturbed. Even though I never showed it , I had gone to temple that day  and cried my heart out and prayed for his soul. The prospect of seeing people dying in front of you, is something that doctors have to be okay with...this, I learnt ,as I advanced in my course and was able to see it as a part and parcel of the profession by the end of my Internship. But more on that later....

Secondly, Community Medicine....The science dealing with the application of our knowledge and acumen for the benefit of the community. It was again a first for me ,where we were taken in a group of about 15 to various villages and were given a survey to complete regarding the Sanitary conditions and Dietary Habits of the villagers. We were supposed to go door to door and enquire about the Dietary Habits of people and were to advice them regarding the same. Then in the end , our findings were to be presented to our Professors. It was a new experience for me and was thoroughly enjoying every bit of it....the only problem was, me not being fluent in the local language. I made a pact with myself to work harder on that front and to be at least able to understand and speak as much Kannada, as required to do my job efficiently(After all , I owe this much to the state which has given me an opportunity to become somebody in life).... It was an enriching experience and one which I will not forget throughout my life. I, for the first time got to know of the impact that a Doctor can have on the community , if he/she works for the betterment of it.

Lastly, there was Forensic Medicine...Even though it is not something which is difficult or tough to understand, it is something which again makes one come face to face with the horrific stuffs that keep happening in our world. We were told about various cases which had come to light and were told about the various autopsy findings which one gets in various scenarios. We were supposed to witness autopsies and were called to the Mortuary whenever there was a case for the students to witness and learn from. It is again something which has made me think repeatedly about ethics in medicine and whether it was a wise decision for a sensitive person like me to enter the world of medicine, where one confronts death on a daily basis....It was somewhere in May,2010 when I witnessed an autopsy for the first time...It was death due to RTA , which happened  just a few meters from our college. I was kinda terrified as to what to expect , but the way which it is done( I don't want to go into the details and gross you out)...I will never want my body to be treated in the same way , if I ever die of ill fate. It has been, by far the most horrifying experience of my life and it was the first to bring tears rolling down my face ,at the instant , even though I was just standing and witnessing it. I still remember the time of dusk when I was returning back from the Mortuary to my room..the scenes of what I had witnessed in front of me just kept on flashing in front of my eyes...I had gone to take a shower and completely broken down and wept there...I don't know whether this makes me weak or what...but I for one never thought ,that I will ever see such a sight in my life....There is a saying, one gets used to something if it becomes a daily routine....I guess, it never happened with me in this case...even though I have seen quite a few autopsies being performed, the thought of seeing something like that still sends shivers down my spine and makes me wonder..is it ethically correct to treat somebody's body like that, for whatever scientific reason it might be...is it??? I for myself...don't have an answer for that...

Something that is kept as spotters in examinations...n we are supposed to identify ;)

I had no time to ponder on the ethical aspects ,as I had to work upon my project and also there were internals which had to be aced. I had done reasonably well in all the subjects in the last internal, except for pharmacology, where I had just managed to pass. My main aim this time was to do well in Pharmacology, so as it doesn't hamper my average grades in the final exams...I , as ususal ,  ;) immersed myself completely in studies and gave the exams...I did the best of my abilities and was looking forward to go home for a short break...

On 16 June,2010...I left for home....having no clue that the journey back is going to be a difficult one...n with harder times ahead........

Sophomore:The slow n steady second(Part I)

I had boarded the coromandel Express from Chennai to reach my hometown after the exams. MAN!!! What a ride it was. Two days in the train just after one is done with the most tiring and exhausting exams of one's life, it was just hell. The thoughts about how I have fared in the various Theory papers, Practicals and Vivas plagued me throughout. But on the other hand there was this euphoria that I will be in home for the next week.

Anyways, somehow  I managed to reach home and had a relaxing time. Even though the thoughts about the results were always there, I made it a point to enjoy as much as I can. Then came 17 August ,2009...the day my Phase I results were declared. I had done reasonably well, and was the topper of my batch but I had missed distinction with a whisker. I was crestfallen. I had done my best and was hoping for better...I know achieving this much is not a small feat in itself, and there were about 40 of my batchmates who had failed to make the cut and had to repeat 6 months...but the prospect of missing distinction by 0.5% was unbearable. Nothing could be done about it. So, I overlooked it and started packing my bags so as to leave for the next year. 

22 August, 2009...the day I started my Phase II of MBBS(Paraclinical stuff). I remember entering the Gallery 5 of my college with some hopes that at least somebody will congratulate me for my achievement but that didn't happen. I was expecting few of the people whom I had helped in the past to at least say that I did good...but nobody did. I was okay with it, people sometimes become alone at the top...and the same happened with me.

During MBBS, the medicos are made familiar with the hospital in the third term of their course, and it was the time for me to enter the hospital. I was posted in Surgery (Unit IV) for two months, as a part of clinical postings. We were just told the basic history taking and examination aspects for the first few days and were given time to adjust to the surroundings. We saw different case scenarios and were taken to the OTs( every Mondays- OT day...with white dress for medicos... and every Thursday- OPD). I loved every bit of it and was quite an active fellow. I loved anatomy and surgery is kinda like amalgamation of Anatomy and pathology and surgical techniques and this in turn propelled me to give my best to it. In addition, there was this requirement to learn kannada , being a medico, it is required that we know the local language and hence I was scrambling to know as much kannada as I can. I had made a separate notebook for it and I used to jot down all the phrases I got to know everyday in it. I continued trying and was hoping to be better in it by the year end.

I had become used to the regular routine and was comfortable with each subject ( Pathology, Microbiology and Forensic), while I dreaded Pharmacology. It never stayed in my brain ;) slowly...I was accustomed with Petri Dishes(for Microbiology), Mortar and Pastel(for Pharmacology), Mosquitoes, bees and various insects ( for Community medicine ) and last but not the least Histopathology among other things (for Pathology). Time started to fly and then it was time for the next posting..i.e OBG. I was posted in HOD sir's unit and we had daily homework and reading to be done. He asked us questions while taking attendance, I was completely fine with all this as it took most of my time and I became occupied.

Third term is considered as honeymoon period during MBBS, as the work load is comparatively less and people enjoy the fact that they have come out of the hell called MBBS Phase I ;) I also got ample of free time and made the most of it by watching movies, listening to songs , sketching a bit sometimes and something called dancing :-p I had always been shy and never really showed this side to anyone. I got another chance to hone my dancing skills and I used to dance in gay abandon in my room with the earphones playing loud music in my ears. Crazzzyyyy...I know ;)

A view of Bannimantapa (a locality in mysore) from my room

Along with all this there was something else which was keeping me busy, and that was the ways to strengthen my CV. I had already been admitted in a not so good college and my aim in life was to prove that I can do better. I had known about a Short Term Studentship by ICMR since my first year and was interested to apply for the same. I had thought it over and Pathology and Microbiology seemed like the subjects where I can devote my time without being bothered, as it was something I liked. I went to quite a few professors to talk about the same as we need guides to do the research work..but I have no idea why I was shown the door, the teachers were like...don't do it, nobody gets selected and once I was even scolded for asking a professor about the same. I had no clue what I should do...I was upset and sad, I had just wanted to apply , whether I get selected or not was not something I was bothered about...but the prospect of that only seemed bleak.  I slowly lost hope and was continuing with my daily routine, by now we were in the last two months of our third term and were posted in Medicine( Unit III). The first internals were fast approaching and I had to prepare for that also.

Charminar

Just days before the exam, I got a call from one of my friends that few students had gone and told the professors that they want to apply for the said studentship and I should rush to get my name up for that. I gave my name for it and was thankfully selected. This firmed my belief that if you want something from all your heart, the universe transpires to give it to you ( filmy right??? ;) or is it Paulo Cohelo? ;p )

 My guide was a very genuine and great teacher, she helped me immensely and whatever I learned about making research proposal, selecting topics and all...I learnt from her..I will even say that , most of my success is because of her and I am indebted to her for life. But more on that later... ;)

I was ecstatic that I applied for the ICMR Studentship eventually, but now there was this bigger problem of internals ahead of me. I started giving all my time for it and somehow managed to finish all the portions. I was reasonably satisfied with my performance. The only thing that bothered me was Pharmacology, I was told in the examination hall to give all my belongings and answer sheets and was searched thoroughly...I was completely in shock and disbelief, I had never used unfair means in exams but on that day I was accused of the same. This took some time and as a result I was disturbed during the whole day and couldn't perform to my level best.  But it is okay...it happens sometimes...one gets screwed for no reason...and that is what happened with me that day. I was acting all strong and fine on the outside, but deep inside me something was broken...I was thinking that I have been wronged and being labelled for no reason was not something  I could digest. I went home and cried my heart out, I knew this had impacted my performance too...but I just couldn't help it.

As they say, time flies...slowly the days passed and internals got over.

I had a sense of relief that about one and a half years have gone since I came here and now only 4 years left.... But the major drama was yet to begin ;)

First Things First (Part II)

January 30,2009....the day I was back to Mysore, after spending two relaxing weeks in home. I had actually made a list of stuff ,which I did every single day in home, so as to make everyday count...and to live every single moment to the fullest. I had enjoyed to my heart's content and  had taken proper rest to insure that I am prepared for the next few grueling months. 

It was with a heavy heart that I entered my room, was tired after 2 days journey..and was missing home immensely. Somehow  few days passed. I got engrossed in the daily routine and was also busy shifting to a place more closer to my college , so that I didn't have to walk much everyday. This took a few weeks and I had no time to think of anything else. Then somewhere in February, I saw my fellow batchmates had made their own groups and had their set of friends and support group. There was nothing or nobody for me , whom I could count on or was eager to meet. Then the reality stuck...I was alone...completely alone..

It somehow triggered a defensive mechanism in me..and that was to make friends. I started mingling and talking to people, I suddenly was someone who took active participation in class and was quite a chirpy and cheerful person. It took a lot of effort from my side but I managed to sustain the new image. I had few friends and I used to draw Histology diagrams for them, give them my practical records to copy and such. I was just helping people out and was getting rid of the loneliness in return. In addition, it was the time for the second internals and I had no time or energy left for anything else. I tried to do my best and gave it my all.

Histology- A slide showing cross section of Thymus

As they say time flies...March came..two people were to be selected for a State Level Quiz in Physiology..A MCQ test was kept for the people interested to represent our college for the same, and two of the best performing people were to be selected. I had no interest in quizzes and was terrified of the thought that , what if I get selected. I had this stage fear in me since childhood and it was prompting me to opt out of the selection process. Still, on the morning of the quiz, I don't know what came over me and I just attempted the test. To my horror, I was selected...This prompted even more negativity towards me. I was this unimportant nobody, who was suddenly experiencing this meteoric rise in popularity. I just neglected all the negativity and continued with my studies, another internals were around the corner and plus there was the dreadful FINAL EXAMS...

Then came April...the month of the quiz. The quiz was to be held in Bangalore and I was literally terrified as to what will happen then. The day of quiz arrived and I with my fellow batchmate reached Bangalore. As it turns out ,she was even more horrified of the whole process and I had to be this Calm and composed person( Someone has to keep cool)... There were quite a few rounds..which involved Audio-Visuals, Dumb-charades and such. It was all such a out of world experience for me. But to my relief, we reached the semifinals. I was extremely happy and elated and relieved that I was not shown the door in the first round itself ;) Anyways...the day came to an end and had to be back to namma mysooru..

An advertisement for THE quiz ;)

Was back to the same grind...plus the pressure of the last and final internals was killing in itself. Again it was the time to immerse in studies and I did just that. Days passed...Final internals came and went...the FINAL EXAMS were fast approaching. Everybody was frantic and had just one goal to pass somehow. It is generally the case that , if someone fails in the final exams of MBBS Phase I , they are supposed to give it again after 6 months, and they will be made into a separate batch and thus will loose 6 months. Nobody wanted that fate and were giving their heart and soul to the preparation.  The internal averages for each subjects were declared and it was to be added in the final score. I was delighted and satisfied with my performance. But the final exam is the main deal...it can literally make or break one's life in a medical college. This thought was in the back of my mind and it was making me panicky by the day.

The pressure was immense and I was unable to cope with the same. I had to call my mom from home, to take care of other things like laundry, food and stuff while I concentrated fully on the preparation. The week of the exams arrived. We had five theory papers( 2 Anatomy, 2 Physiology and one for Biochemistry) from Monday to Friday. It was one of the most tiring weeks of my life but I somehow managed to stay alive by the end of it. Many of my batchmates had fever, vomitting, nausea due to the pressure of the exams and tiring nature of it. I was relieved that it somehow got over. I had no time to mull over the mistakes which I did, the practicals were, in just a matter of days.

I sleepwalked through the practicals and vivas. Even though I remember clearly everything I got, Trachea and Hyaline Cartilage in Histology for identification( I did a mistake and identified trachea as something else) , stomach and Dura for discussion and innumerable spotters. Spirometry , AEC, Parkinson's disease and Respiratory system examination in Physiology and Starch and Bile salts for identification in Biochemistry. Along with all these there was the theory viva. God!!!!!!! I had no clue in which of the carpal bones the primary centre appears first :-@ ( I got to know that later in Forensic Medicine).

But as they say...time doesn't stop for anyone or anything, this one also passed ;)

The sense of relief which I had after the examinations ,was nothing that I had experienced until now. I was just happy to run away...far from all the books and...to my home.. but there was this constant fear of results..anything can happen..

I left for home...with the fear for the results being insurmountable...

First Things First (Part- I)

4th August ,2008...the date when I started my journey as a medico. 

I was bubbling with excitement...as well as ,was a bit apprehensive about what lies ahead for me. With all dreams in my mind ,I entered the auditorium of our college, which was the venue for the Induction program for the new MBBS batch also known as the Silver Jubilee Batch. I was seeing a lot of unfamiliar faces and was guessing who among them will become a friend for life. 

As the program started , we were told about the duties and responsibilities of a Doctor and the various aspects which makes us a good human being and more importantly the qualities which are responsible for making a good doctor. One thing which I still remember from that is...anybody enrolled in a medical college can become a doctor..but the thing that distinguishes you from others is selflessness and compassion for your patients and the community , and thus making one a good doctor...This thing has stuck with me till date. Time will tell whether I succeed in becoming one or not.

We were then instructed to attend classes and the dreadful anatomy dissections . Next day, I and my fellow batchmates officially started our careers as future doctors. The image is still fresh in my mind..I remember seeing the various enthusiastic faces as we were seated in a gallery and I was mesmerized by so much of diversity around me. People had come from different parts of India and abroad , each had their own distinctive mannerisms.  We were told to give our introduction and were introduced to the basic sciences i.e. Anatomy, Physiology and Biochemistry. I was relieved that finally there would not be any physics or Calculus that I would have to deal with ;)

Then came the dissection hour, I was kinda scared by the prospect of it. But there was no other option , as it was to be a daily routine for me for the next year. On entering the Dissection hall, the first thing that catches you unawares is the irritating smell of formalin. It feels a bit nauseating and irritates one's nose and eyes. If that was not enough, there were the cadavers. The first site of about ten cadavers lying in front of you in itself is a daunting. We were told to get used to all of it, I never believed I would.

Somehow the days passed and we got immersed in the classes, test tubes and Bunsen burners ( Benedict's tests and et all for biochemistry), pricking ourselves with a lancet to get blood for various hematological experiments for physiology ( God! It was painful.....I had spots all over the pulp of my fingers because of continuous pricking ) and the thing I love the most...Histology..were nothing needs to be done....we were just given slides and told to identify the organ by it's histological features with a microscope. In addition it involved drawing a diagram of the given slide. I found my calling and used to wait for Mondays and Thursdays( my histo class days) so that I can use the colourful pencils to draw my heart out ( H&E pensils...Hematoxylin- blue and Eosin- Pink).

Histology- Cross section of Umbilical Cord

I had started getting used to the usual classes but one thing that still bothered me was the food. But I had to gulp down whatever was given  , just like is the case with all the people living in hostels. And the icing on the cake was ragging...not ragging per se, but the fear of it was in itself quite a lot. Me being the scared , timid, sensitive fellow I was always scared of all of that. I used to be extra cautious, do whatever was told, no moustache..clean shave...shiny shoes, used to go anywhere in groups and never used to venture out just because of the inherent fear. But as they say, whatever has to happen, it will...the day came, we were called for it and went ahead thinking it is better to get over such a thing. Even though it wasn't physical or anything, it does scar a sensitive person. But anyways...now it is over..why to think of it..It made me even more resilient that I won't go for such a thing ever, come what may. I took even extra precaution and moved out of the hostel to a rented room. Lived like that, used to get calls and all to come for ragging and stuff..but I ignored.

Sunset from a hill near Pandavpura

Slowly time flied and it was the time for the first ever internals. I never had a chance to read properly in the past few months and exams were around. I, as usual, was worried as to how I would perform and what would happen. I was not quite confident of myself and used to get scared with the claims of my fellow batchmates that they have completed this much and things like that. Still, I thought of giving it my best, read whatever I could and gave the exams without any hopes that I am gonna get great marks or anything of that sort. As it turns out , I liked the whole process and was relieved that I did to the best of my abilities. I did really well and people were shocked with my performance. I became somebody from a nobody within a matter of days. I was myself in disbelief but was elated none the less.

There were people who were like you don't deserve this, you will know what you are in the next exams and all and there were people who were supportive of me. I looked at the positive aspect of it and moved on, it gave me the belief that I can achieve something in life. I made it a point to work even harder and there was nothing for me except me and my books for the next few months..

As all this was going on, I had started to miss home miserably, it had been almost 6-7 months since I had gone home and it was becoming unbearable..then came January 2009 and we got holidays/post semester break to go home for the first time..

My happiness knew no boundaries and I ran home...

In all this hoopla , I forgot to make friends and gell with people..even though there were acquaintances but they came only when their need arose, and left when I had nothing beneficial to offer them...

I had become alone...