It had been one of the most memorable experiences of my
life. I had cycled around, in the streets of Holland, got lost and then found
my way back ,enjoyed bird's-eye view of Paris from the top of Eiffel tower, travelled
and lived in the dilapidated houses in Venice and enjoyed a whole day in
Disneyland, Paris. It was all just so surreal. I had never even dreamt of these, and here I
was, getting a chance to live and experience all of it.
It had never been possible, if I hadn't had the courage to
fight the odds and strived for a research work. Never been possible, if I had
just given up and not kept my eyes and ears open to the opportunities that
present to me. If I had given up, because of the demoralising forces around
me, I would have never experienced it.
Those few days, provided me the opportunity to network with
people, which was going to help me later in life, had made me more aware of the
way things work in a foreign land and the contrast between the European and
Indian health care system. It was only because of me getting selected to
present a paper in an International conference, I was chosen to be an
Editorial Board member of few Student Journals. It was something that had a
much greater impact on my life in the days to come, more on that later.
Cut to...26 June, 2011...I was back in Mysore. I had a stop
over in Delhi for a day, before I flew to Mysore. I was a bit scared of going
back, a lot had happened and the secret ,that I went to Europe to present a paper
had spread like hot fire. But the only thing that people had interest in, was
Amsterdam, whether I tried the things which are legal there or not. Me
presenting a paper was like..bleh..anyone can do it ;) To be honest, I didn't even have a clue why
Amsterdam is famous among youngsters (so naive, I know). I had googled and
found out what exactly makes it famous ;) And I lived to tell the tale, that I was
oblivious to all this, and have not even been to any bar, the rest of the stuff
being out of question forever. :P
It was the start of the exam term. This term was filled
with exams, exams every other week. Three internals each for ENT,
Ophthalmology and Community Medicine and to top it all the clinicals too. :(
I had been studying all along, and had been doing fairly
well, as per my judgement.
But one thing still prevailed, rather it had
become even more evident now, it was, me not able to shake off the fact that, I
was born in Bihar, I am a Bihari. Wherever I went, to whichever teacher, this
was the first question and then started the snide remarks like, the place where
you come from, do people get kidnapped just like that there? Is it like,
people are scared to come out of their homes after 6 in the evening, there? Do
YOU guys make money out of abduction too? and many many more. There is a
certain limit upto which anyone can bear, for me, maybe the limit was not far
ahead. I had started feeling depressed, what can I do to change my birthplace. I was born there. I didn't choose it. What right do people have to openly ridicule
my family, just because I belong to some backward state, that too, without even
knowing my family background. How can you generalise people like that, and punish them for it. It was slowly getting
way more than one can handle, but I had no option, I had to bear it. You can't
raise your voice and bear the consequences for it.
I had shared all this with my parents and they had been
equally worried. They had even thought of making me leave the course midway to
pursue something else.
While all this was going on, I had to face internals too, as the finals were fast approaching. My
only solace was studies. Me and my books. I read, read and read during my
spare time, tried to just shut these things off my mind and gave my hundred
percent. But somehow nothing seemed to work, I was just getting passing marks
in ENT and Ophthalmology, I was unable to understand this fact, all my exams
were going the best that I had given in all my three years here and still, I was just getting passing marks. I even failed in Ophthalmology
second internals :p. I had checked my answer sheets and compared it with
others to figure out the lacunae in my knowledge. If one goofs up and doesn't
write to the point, then it is fine..but in ENT.. I always considered it my
forte. I liked the subject, had read and memorised every aspect of it, still
there was no improvement. I went and asked the professor where, I have missed the
points. He blatantly said to my face that he just doesn't want to give marks to
me. What can I do? I couldn't have retaliated back. I had to bear it (Once
again, I know marks don't matter, heck, I myself don't remember now, what I got and in which subject, but one should atleast know what is lacking in them, so
that I can rectify myself. This I couldn't get an answer for {I know, all
this sounds like loads of crap, but I was never in the race for top, it was
just bestowed on me, without even me wanting it ever, so yearning for marks
was not the question} the point was to get what I deserve)
Anyways, while this was happening, I got the news that my
grandfather had died. I had to rush to Delhi for his funeral. It was an
emotional moment for me. I had never seen the loss, the sadness it brings, I
saw it for the first time. It pained me to think, the last time I was in Delhi,
I couldn't get time to meet him. If I would have, it would have atleast been
our last memory where I would have told him about my trip and showed him my
certificates, now I just have his last memory, where I am cribbing about not
having enough passport and Visa copies and him running around to fix the non
working printer. I feel like kicking myself but I can't change it now.
I wish, I could. Miss you nana and sorry.
All in all, the second half of 2011, somehow seemed like too
much for me to handle, I didn't have a clue what was going to happen. I had
been giving my best all along, but somehow, it never was enough. With the exams
being scheduled for January 2012, we had got 20 days preparatory leave, seeing
most of my batchmates, I ran off to my home, carrying all the books.
It was the time when I have really put my heart and soul
into it. I have never done the labour, the hard work, that I had done in my
third year of MBBS, ever and these twenty days were one of the most hectic and
packed days of life. I swear, I have never studied, that much, ever in my
life. Never ever. Not yet, at least. Then arrived 31 December 2011,
the day of my departure back to Mysore. I reached around 1 in night, on 1
January 2012, to my room. There was no new year, nothing for me.
 |
| Few surgical instruments used in ENT |
And then the exams started, it seemed like a breeze for
me. I was confident about the theory papers, in practicals also, internal
examiners and external examiners, had praised me and said you deserve good
marks. I was hoping for the best.
We had 3 days leave before the start of last and final
year. I had been totally worn out and hence decided to head home, even if it
was for just a few days. I was confident that, this time was the best that I have
ever done in any exams. But somehow the fear of unkown kept on lingering in my
thoughts. I had a premonition that something was gonna go wrong, and it
did.
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