It has been a while, since I have written anything.
The continuous night calls make me loose my mind apart from sleep.
I sometimes wonder whether am a keeper or just a keep who becomes an inconsequential part of anybody's life with time.
I have a tendency of blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for opening up to people whom I am close to. I blame myself for doing what I was asked to. I blame myself for even thinking that I will get love in life. I blame myself for not being assertive enough and thus giving chances to people to pull me down every now and then. I blame myself for being emotional and attaching emotions to certain things and for believing in people.
I have changed in the last couple of years. I have lost the hope of a life, a future and a family. I have distanced myself from my own family trying to act on someone's opinion of me and improving myself. I have become very quiet and pensive and just mind my own work not indulge in frivolous talks unnecessarily.
I have come to realise that I will be there just for sometime in anybody's life and it will not take much to move on from me; be it whoever.
I have come to the realisation that am just a keep.
The reasons for me thinking so:
1. I have been bullied throughout my school days, even though I stood up whenever I could, I was not able to take it when a group of guys used to gang up against me. I should have been more strong and fought for my life then.
2. In college also, I didn't live a life. I ran away from ragging. Even though I was ragged once or twice, it didn't go to the extent of being beaten up and striped completely naked and paraded for me. Which some people call as something which makes people strong.
3. I just focussed on studies in my entire ug life. I always tried to do my best in studies and neglected the extra-curricular part because I was scared to be made fun of in such gatherings.
4. I believed in love and considered someone as mine. I loved like a child, with possessiveness, naak pe gussa kind of attitude. It doesn't work like that.
Nobody loves anyone in today's world. It is all just a matter of convenience.
5. I went and opened up to someone whom I am close to and was gullible enough to heed to their way of thinking.
6. I should have tried more and been more resilient for what I thought was the way for me. Instead I let emotions take the better of me and spiralled down in the web of depression at a very crucial juncture of my life.
7. I have never been the happy, happier and happiest kind and have been affected by so much complaining and sadness around me. I should not have let it affect me.
Now, coming to the things against:
1. Even though I have been bullied in school, I did stood up for myself. I hid everything from my parents and brother for a good 3-4 years (they themselves were not in a good position to be there for me, with my mom being bedridden). It was only when the bullying went beyond a point when the teachers also started ridiculing me in class or when it was a group of people involved that I broke down and opened up. I think other people would have cracked down much earlier.
2. I went to college after dropping a year, I was completely shaken. I had attempted suicide in the previous year and was cursing myself for being the reason because of which my parents had to pay 10 lakhs as fees. The only way to redeem myself was studies, which I did. I completely put myself in the grind and had just one focus to prove that I deserved better. In that scenario, I don't think seniors would have helped me as the main help they provide is by leaking examination papers, arranging booze, drugs and girls for a fuck. That was not my scene. It was hard but I survived through it.
3. As I mentioned earlier, I was engrossed only in studies and didn't participate in extra-curricular activities. I had the demons from the past where I was battling continuously with low self esteem and the fear of being ridiculed. I did what I thought was best at that point of time. I gave studies my all. Nobody can ever imagine how much of a racist country India is. I took all the taunts of me being from a backward state and kept on moving. Many people didn't. They just used to curse everyone and found solace in drinks or drugs. I didnt do any such thing. I did use to feel bad but I didn't give in and in the end, left the place with a mark.
4. I loved. Loved with my whole heart, with the child-like innocence. I used to take initiative in the beginning to talk even though there was a hesitation. Nobody will see that. I tried not to bother anyone and let them do what they want after I was told that they will do it only if they want. That can be taken very easily as my arrogance, nobody will see what they did there. I opened up completely, shed all my inhibitions. That was everything to me. I have specific boundaries and don't cross that with anyone but with that one person I was truly me. My mind to this date justifies everything the other person said or did. There were so many faults that were found in me. I still try to think of that person's opinion of me and try to bring about changes in me.
The purity of love was unparalled. I can't help if I was possessive and was someone who used to get angry every now and then. I never wanted for the person to leave their family and just be with me, I always cared for their family. I think when you love someone you should care for the people who have helped that person be what they are. I have always taken rights on people whom I consider mine and to only them my tantrums are limited to. I don't think I will ever be able to take rights on anybody. I will let it be. I do not have the strength.
I remember not using love so frivolously. I wanted the person to know me first and then say it. I guess, they didn't like the real me in the end. It didn't take much time to delete or block me.
I do curse myself for expecting honesty about certain things. Now, with time I don't think I ever will expect. I know I am just there for the time being, how much ever one says that I am their true love or whatever.
I might not ever be able to accept love or care but I can still love.
Coming back to the point, I think I would like to have someone like me, someone who could listen when needed. I would be lucky to have the purity of love that was on offer.
It is one thing that I am a sensitive person and that might have made it difficult for the other person to "handle". Thankfully I have changed with time and care much less than I did back then.
5. I don't think there is anything wrong in talking to your parents if you consider yourself to be in a soup. I did just that when I felt it might get overbearing for me. It is the only way I know to keep my sanity intact.
There are easier ways around where I can just drink or take drugs and forget my worries but that is not how I want my life to be.
I still did a mistake by being an easy target for emotional blackmail. I did heed in to the demand and did sacrifice the thing that I wanted the most. If you ask me, I would have done the same thing today also, if faced with a similar situation.
Now that I have gone through the phase and learnt my lessons, I need to choose what I think is right for me.
I know whatever that was done, was done to safeguard me and my future but it backfired for me.
What is done is done. Nothing can be changed now.
The other person will never know or understand my thought process. I do not expect anyone to. My journey is mine. Nobody else's.
6. I have learnt to be detached with time. Now there is always the door open for me. If somebody wants to stay they can, if they don't they are free to leave.
I dunno I can love with the same intensity ever again or not but my first priority will be to save myself now. I will try not to let emotions take the better of me and not love so much so the thought of loosing them might push me to suicidal thoughts.
A lesson learnt.
Hope I can change myself completely.
I know people can't live without love. I will try to give my best and not expect anything. This might lessen the number of fights too. :)
7. I have always been the life of my family. It has just been me who has shown them how to live or be happy. Maybe am not as proficient in it as others. I am trying, though.
Hmm..here goes the for and against the statement. Now is the time for me to rationally decide. (Quite an effect of psychotherapy sessions :P)
The continuous night calls make me loose my mind apart from sleep.
I sometimes wonder whether am a keeper or just a keep who becomes an inconsequential part of anybody's life with time.
I have a tendency of blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for opening up to people whom I am close to. I blame myself for doing what I was asked to. I blame myself for even thinking that I will get love in life. I blame myself for not being assertive enough and thus giving chances to people to pull me down every now and then. I blame myself for being emotional and attaching emotions to certain things and for believing in people.
I have changed in the last couple of years. I have lost the hope of a life, a future and a family. I have distanced myself from my own family trying to act on someone's opinion of me and improving myself. I have become very quiet and pensive and just mind my own work not indulge in frivolous talks unnecessarily.
I have come to realise that I will be there just for sometime in anybody's life and it will not take much to move on from me; be it whoever.
I have come to the realisation that am just a keep.
The reasons for me thinking so:
1. I have been bullied throughout my school days, even though I stood up whenever I could, I was not able to take it when a group of guys used to gang up against me. I should have been more strong and fought for my life then.
2. In college also, I didn't live a life. I ran away from ragging. Even though I was ragged once or twice, it didn't go to the extent of being beaten up and striped completely naked and paraded for me. Which some people call as something which makes people strong.
3. I just focussed on studies in my entire ug life. I always tried to do my best in studies and neglected the extra-curricular part because I was scared to be made fun of in such gatherings.
4. I believed in love and considered someone as mine. I loved like a child, with possessiveness, naak pe gussa kind of attitude. It doesn't work like that.
Nobody loves anyone in today's world. It is all just a matter of convenience.
5. I went and opened up to someone whom I am close to and was gullible enough to heed to their way of thinking.
6. I should have tried more and been more resilient for what I thought was the way for me. Instead I let emotions take the better of me and spiralled down in the web of depression at a very crucial juncture of my life.
7. I have never been the happy, happier and happiest kind and have been affected by so much complaining and sadness around me. I should not have let it affect me.
Now, coming to the things against:
1. Even though I have been bullied in school, I did stood up for myself. I hid everything from my parents and brother for a good 3-4 years (they themselves were not in a good position to be there for me, with my mom being bedridden). It was only when the bullying went beyond a point when the teachers also started ridiculing me in class or when it was a group of people involved that I broke down and opened up. I think other people would have cracked down much earlier.
2. I went to college after dropping a year, I was completely shaken. I had attempted suicide in the previous year and was cursing myself for being the reason because of which my parents had to pay 10 lakhs as fees. The only way to redeem myself was studies, which I did. I completely put myself in the grind and had just one focus to prove that I deserved better. In that scenario, I don't think seniors would have helped me as the main help they provide is by leaking examination papers, arranging booze, drugs and girls for a fuck. That was not my scene. It was hard but I survived through it.
3. As I mentioned earlier, I was engrossed only in studies and didn't participate in extra-curricular activities. I had the demons from the past where I was battling continuously with low self esteem and the fear of being ridiculed. I did what I thought was best at that point of time. I gave studies my all. Nobody can ever imagine how much of a racist country India is. I took all the taunts of me being from a backward state and kept on moving. Many people didn't. They just used to curse everyone and found solace in drinks or drugs. I didnt do any such thing. I did use to feel bad but I didn't give in and in the end, left the place with a mark.
4. I loved. Loved with my whole heart, with the child-like innocence. I used to take initiative in the beginning to talk even though there was a hesitation. Nobody will see that. I tried not to bother anyone and let them do what they want after I was told that they will do it only if they want. That can be taken very easily as my arrogance, nobody will see what they did there. I opened up completely, shed all my inhibitions. That was everything to me. I have specific boundaries and don't cross that with anyone but with that one person I was truly me. My mind to this date justifies everything the other person said or did. There were so many faults that were found in me. I still try to think of that person's opinion of me and try to bring about changes in me.
The purity of love was unparalled. I can't help if I was possessive and was someone who used to get angry every now and then. I never wanted for the person to leave their family and just be with me, I always cared for their family. I think when you love someone you should care for the people who have helped that person be what they are. I have always taken rights on people whom I consider mine and to only them my tantrums are limited to. I don't think I will ever be able to take rights on anybody. I will let it be. I do not have the strength.
I remember not using love so frivolously. I wanted the person to know me first and then say it. I guess, they didn't like the real me in the end. It didn't take much time to delete or block me.
I do curse myself for expecting honesty about certain things. Now, with time I don't think I ever will expect. I know I am just there for the time being, how much ever one says that I am their true love or whatever.
I might not ever be able to accept love or care but I can still love.
Coming back to the point, I think I would like to have someone like me, someone who could listen when needed. I would be lucky to have the purity of love that was on offer.
It is one thing that I am a sensitive person and that might have made it difficult for the other person to "handle". Thankfully I have changed with time and care much less than I did back then.
5. I don't think there is anything wrong in talking to your parents if you consider yourself to be in a soup. I did just that when I felt it might get overbearing for me. It is the only way I know to keep my sanity intact.
There are easier ways around where I can just drink or take drugs and forget my worries but that is not how I want my life to be.
I still did a mistake by being an easy target for emotional blackmail. I did heed in to the demand and did sacrifice the thing that I wanted the most. If you ask me, I would have done the same thing today also, if faced with a similar situation.
Now that I have gone through the phase and learnt my lessons, I need to choose what I think is right for me.
I know whatever that was done, was done to safeguard me and my future but it backfired for me.
What is done is done. Nothing can be changed now.
The other person will never know or understand my thought process. I do not expect anyone to. My journey is mine. Nobody else's.
6. I have learnt to be detached with time. Now there is always the door open for me. If somebody wants to stay they can, if they don't they are free to leave.
I dunno I can love with the same intensity ever again or not but my first priority will be to save myself now. I will try not to let emotions take the better of me and not love so much so the thought of loosing them might push me to suicidal thoughts.
A lesson learnt.
Hope I can change myself completely.
I know people can't live without love. I will try to give my best and not expect anything. This might lessen the number of fights too. :)
7. I have always been the life of my family. It has just been me who has shown them how to live or be happy. Maybe am not as proficient in it as others. I am trying, though.
Hmm..here goes the for and against the statement. Now is the time for me to rationally decide. (Quite an effect of psychotherapy sessions :P)
